Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Ab Workouts

Dear Chiropractor,

I regret to inform you that I am firing you. I have decided that you really are a quack doctor and have no idea what you're talking about.

You told me today that my ab muscles were weak and that I need to strengthen them to hold my spine in place better.

Well, the joke is on you buddy. Little do you know.. I do ab work outs ALL day. It's called sucking in. Do you know what it's like to suck in 24 hours a day? It's not easy work. Those ab muscles are constantly being pushed to their limits.

I'm sucking in right now as I type this letter and trust me... I'm feeling the burn.


Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Dear Local "Romance" store,

The pheromone sheet spray you sold me is seriously defective. Much to my husbands dismay, it has given me an appetite.... but not for the right thing.

I mean sure.... it puts me in the mood..... for a "cheeseburger". And there lies the problem.

Your "pheromone" sheet spray is full of hungermones. You should look into that.

It's causing major turmoil in my marriage. My husband was a very happy camper when he woke up to me licking his cheek. That was quickly crushed when he realized I was just trying to lick some of the chocolate milk shake off that I had accidently dribbled onto him. Imagine how surprised he was... he didn't even know I was up eating that milkshake at 2 am. It was like being caught red handed with a mistress.

Hungermones. You're ruining my life. I will be returning this sheet spray and I want a full refund.


PS. Would it be so wrong if I secretly kept it in my purse and sniffed it before I went into the buffets? I mean come on! They charge $10 for those things... I want to get my moneys worth..... No?.... Ok fine.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Dear Breasts,

I've come to a conclusion.

You are not saggy.

You just have bad posture.


PS. Don't fret. 4 years of choir straightened my posture right up. I'm looking into choir for you. You're gonna love it.

Common Sense

Dear Brittany,

You needed a major dose of me today when you were muttering to yourself, "Where did you come from??!" at your daughter while she was throwing one of her monsterous fits.

What a silly question. You know perfectly well where she came from.

Maybe you should spend less time asking yourself silly questions and instead ask yourself, "Why in the world is it 4 pm and I'm still in my pajamas?" or "How long have those dishes really been sitting in the sink while I've been on Facebook?"

Common sense Brittany. Common sense.

Love always,
Common sense

PS. Speaking of common sense..... Just a little FYI: "Common Sense" and "Your two cents" are NOT the same thing. Please remember this when giving advice.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Eviction Notice

Dear Brittany,

I've been reading your blog and have come to a very startling realization. You think I'm the one who took off never to be found again. For some reason you've gotten it into your head that I left you high and dry 5 years ago. This is not true. Please hear me out.

5 years ago I was in top shape. Nothing sagged, everything was relatively smooth and I only consisted of good bulges. I was loving life.

To my dismay I was served with an eviction notice by some creep called "Pregnancy". Yep, it's true. He just slapped up a notice saying I had 9 months to vacate. So I took off. I had no choice.

I've snuck around here and there to see what's going on. I don't like what the renters have done at all. Stretch marks, there's usually an overgrown lawn on your legs and they've allowed your breasts to completely take over. Let's not even get started on the back yard. Who needs that much space anyways? Unless they're planning a neighborhood fiesta, I don't get the point of that massive amount of space they've allowed to happen.

I am begging you to let me come back. Now's a good time. Serve them with an eviction notice. You can find one under the name of "GYM".

Your old body

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The NEW situps

Dear Friends,

I am a genius. And you're about to discover why....

Please do not think I am weird at our next Ladies Night Out. Yes, I will be laying on the floor during all of our hilariously funny conversations. Why you ask??... well it's just simple logic.

Whenever we engage in our "tee hee hee" talks I laugh so hard I rock back and forth, frontwards and backwards. By the end of the night my stomach is actually sore. I, being the multi tasker that I am.. have decided that if I'm laying on the floor while laughing, I can rock myself right into a sit up.

It's funny AND it's exercise. The only thing that would make it better is if there was a long straw with a milk shake on the other end waiting for me at the end of each sit up.

Lay on the floor and laugh people. It's good for your health.


PS. Please do not let this amazing new exercise get out. I'm pretty sure I created Zumba in my bathroom when I was trying to get my jeans on. Somehow it got out... and now look at all the money I've missed out on. I'm keeping this one to myself. The skinny girls can keep doing their un-fun sit ups.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Safety Concerns

Dear Brittany,

I am writing this letter to let you know that I will no longer be dining with you while you are on this diet.

I am so sad to cancel our weekly Ladies Pie Night.. but I have some concerns for my safety after last night.

I cringed every time you shoved a piece of fruit into your mouth and glared at my hot plate of cheese fries.

I am sorry, but I'm not the one who ordered a bowl of fruit at Free Pie Night. It was rude of you to take out your hunger on me. I nearly stopped being friends with you when you attempted to lick the ranch dressing off my arm that I had dribbled. That's what napkins are for Brittany.

Right after we ate I shoved a piece of gum in my mouth so fast just to throw you off my scent trail. I figured if you couldn't smell the cheese fries on my breath it would be safer for us all. You had a crazed look in your eyes. Forgive me.

So until you're off this diet let's try doing non eating activities. It's for the best.

Your Non-dieting Friend

PS. I also think it's best if you stay at least 3 ft from me at all times. I'm worried you're going to think my Cotton Candy body spray is more than just a spray...

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Mom Jeans

Dear Brittany,

We hear your old jeans aren't working for you anymore. We also heard that skinny jeans didn't make the cut. So here we are... ready to apply for the job of being your jeans.

Just think of all the good times we could have while I flatten your rear end, give you camel toe and caress your ankles.

You'd be curling your bangs and wearing decorated holiday vests in no time. Bet you would barely remember that all of that is not cool.

We didn't plan on coming around until your mid thirties. But you're the one who popped out two kids and porked out in your early twenties. Don't blame us. You did this to yourself.

When you're ready for us just come pick us up. We're in your Mom's closet. Right next to her BUM sweatshirts and basket of scrunchies.

Mom Jeans

PS. It's been told that Mom jeans give you super powers. Tempted Yet?

Chunky Back

Dear Brittany,

Thank you for your nice comments about my song "Sexy Back". I am so glad you liked it.

At this time I am not able to record your song "Chunky Back".

I did bring sexy back but I feel that bringing chunky back is a bit out of my league. Would it be easier to bring chunky back if I had a "chunky" back myself? Well.. I don't know. I'll have to ask Joey. He was the fat one of our group.

If I ever do decide to take that route, you'll be the 1st person I call to star as the chunky model in my music video.

Justin Timberlake

** Please note.. portions of this letter may or may not have been written by Justin Timberlake. No members of N*Sync were harmed in the writing of this letter.

Thursday, April 15, 2010


Dear Brittany,

We appreciate the fact that you were excited. It's always an amazing thing when you start seeing your hard work pay off.

But please... Please... PLEASE... never ever celebrate without your bra on again. It gets way too confusing when there's so many things bouncing towards us. We had no time to defend ourselves.

So try to remember, the next time you go to celebrate.... think cele"BRA"te. We'd be ever so grateful.

Your Two Black Eyes

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Self Esteem Beating

Dear Self Esteem,

I am sorry that you took such a beating tonight. I've always been competitive, but sometimes I just need to learn to let it go.

When my perfect co-worker told me she belonged to a hiking club I simply pointed out that I belong to an eating club.

Then she mentioned her Book Club and I had no choice but to mention my America's Next Top Model Marathon Club.

Of course she couldn't stop there so she pulled the, "I belong to the Giving Blankets and Food to Starving Babies in Africa Club" card. I thought of slapping my own card down with, "Food for Fatties Club" where I eat only brownies for an entire meal..... but who am I kidding?

I can't win. Stupid clubs.


PS. Since you've been knocked down and you're in the region.. could you ask my cankles if they're coming to dinner?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Mission Aborted


Dear Brittany,

This just in: Husband is onto "I have a headache mission."

Immediately abort and proceed to "My leg hurts mission."

The source of information is rumored to be your husbands rolling eyes.

Your Nighttime Excuse Committee

PS. Please remove "I have a headache" jammies from the premises. They are set to self destruct in 3.6 minutes.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Shame Shame

Dear Brittany,

It is not fair to hide the Easter Eggs so well that your children can't find them. Oh yes, I'm on to you. Hiding the eggs so well that they'll never be found just so you have an "emergency" stash for your hard diet days is terrible. Shame.

Love, The Easter Bunny

PS. I know you put all the Tootsie rolls in your kids eggs and all the good candy in your "secret stash" eggs. Double shame.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Dear Neighbor Lady with the perfect hair,

And perfect nails.. perfect waistline... perfect kids...

I am writing this letter of apology for what you saw today. I was caught completely off guard when you rang my doorbell at 10 am this morning. I answered it thinking it was UPS. I didn't know people delivered cookies before 4 pm. With their hair done. And all of their clothes on.

I'm totally always usually partially dressed by noon at least. Of course that means most body parts are covered.. doesn't mean they're all "Saddled up". I saw you looking at my knees alot. At least I thought you were looking at my knees. Until I realized I didn't have a bra on. And that must mean you were staring at my "unsaddled" breasts. EMBARASSING.

Your cookies were incredibly good. I tried making you a pan of "thank you" brownies. I was so proud of myself because I only dropped half the batter on the floor once. Kambrie did dip her entire hand in the batter, but it was after we washed her hands. So I figured we were good... I was on the path to success.

After the brownies were out of the oven is when things went down hill. Kynzee threw the ball for our dog, which scared the cat so bad she jumped on the counter. I then had a 20 pound cat sitting in the pan of brownies. I tried really hard to brush off the hair and hide the body imprint, but it didn't work. So no brownies for you.

I hate to be harsh and sound ungrateful, but if you're going to just "swing" by again, please try to make it afternoon and not the butt crack of dawn. No one likes to see a butt crack. And I most certainly did not like opening the door and seeing the sun barely risen over the East mountains. Get some dark curtains or something.

I promise that if you visit later in the day there's a 50/50 chance I'll have a bra on AND be dressed completely. I probably will have already picked up the mess in the front room too so I won't have to shove you outside and close the door. And no, there wasn't anything going on inside as you so kindly asked... I just couldn't imagine you standing in the middle of my living room with a bra on in that kind of mess. Those messes are reserved for braless people. It just wouldn't be right.

So nice to meet you my Stepford Neighbor. I have a feeling we're going to be great friends.


PS. I would totally join your Bunco Ladies Club... but that's my weekly "stuff my face with Dorito's while watching American Idol" night. Dang. Next time.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Dear Brittany,

Remember when you said your kids would never have undone hair? Or wear mismatched clothes? You also said you'd never feed them icecream before noon, or think that cheese is an acceptable meal.

I also specifically remember the day you told yourself that you'd never be one of those wives who got dressed at 4 pm and both of your legs would be shaved at all times.

Do you recall also telling your friend that there was no way in heck that you'd ever have a kid who acted as horrible as your neighbors kid? And if they ever acted up you'd take care of it immediately rather than offering them a cookie.. or candy.. or anything to shut them up??

Bad news Brittany......

You're that Mom. The one you never wanted to be.

Congrats, it's only taken 4 years for you to realize this. Some people never do.

So on behalf of all of us.... "Welcome to Motherhood". It ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Love Always,

Friday, March 19, 2010

Skinny Cow

Dear Skinny Cow Icecream,

I am really curious as to just how you got away with calling your ice cream "skinny" cow.

You see, I tried that once. I decided it was mind over matter. If I thought I was skinny, well then I would be skinny. So I always called myself skinny. I told my friends I was skinny. I posted it on my Facebook. But all I got were comments like, "Oh... ummmm.... cough.... sorry something in my throat." And people responded to my Facebook status like this... "............................ Sure you are Brittany.. and you have the sweetest spirit."

Your icecreams are not skinny. They are no where near thin. They're full and round and curvy.. just like me. Yet they get to be called skinny.

However, now that I think about it... they are skinny compared to a cow. Way to look at the glass half full Skinny Cow Makers!

From now on I want to be called "Brittany Skinny Cow". I want my glass to be half full too. Ahhh life just gets sweeter everyday day, doesn't it?



Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Garbage Disposal

Dear Husband and Children:

Please take notice.

This is my resignation as the family garbage disposal.
I will no longer be eating your "left overs".
Do not offer me the "last few bites" of your desserts that you just can't finish.
Please refrain from sliding your plate towards me at restaurants to see if I want to try it.
And last but not least, children.... please do not throw food at me or on the floor and please avoid leaving bits of food stuck to your face. Especially if it is a dessert. You know I can't help myself when I'm really, really hungry.

(Mom and wife)

PS. I almost ate a bean out of the bottom of the dishwasher today. Pre-washing. I snapped out of it by running my head under water for 30 seconds. I've got this diet thing down. It's no biggie. Really.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Brownie Coma

Dear Brittany (Mom),
We would like to applaud you for being a good mom and making brownies with your children. Brownies are good... but you're not that tempted by them because you don't like chocolate. Or so you say......
If you really don't like chocolate then why did you go into panic mode when you snuck into the kitchen to have a "tiny" bite and the brownies were gone? We saw you glance frantically all over the kitchen. We saw you look in the oven and go through the cupboards. Next came the "Oh no" state. Where you wonder if you had a food coma and ate them all without even knowing it. We watched you try to smell your own breath to see if there was any hint of chocolate.
We know how hard you've been trying to lose weight. And we're 100% supportive. That's why we ate the entire pan for you before you could even get a nibble.
You looked so pleased when you found the eaten pan of brownies hiding in our Princess chair. What sweet girls you have.

Your children

PS. How could you even think of eating an entire pan of these by yourself? We're going to need a clean up in aisle 4. Which is Kynzee's bed. On the sheets you just washed. Love you Mom!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Father Doesn't Know Best..

Dear Dad,

As a child you pounded into my head over and over that if I could believe something, then I could achieve it. You yelled it at me from the stands when I was cheerleading, wrote it to me in birthday cards, and whispered it to me when I was upset because I thought I'd never be tall enough to be a model.

I'm writing this to tell you thanks for making me believe that I could achieve anything I set my mind to as a kid. However, you were wrong.

Yesterday I found the most amazing pair of pants on clearance while shopping. They were not my size though. So I closed my eyes and believed that they'd fit with all my heart. I was 100% sure that they'd slide right on when I went to the dressing room. I did everything you said to do, I dreamed it, I visualized it, I could practically even taste it. And that's only cuz the button looked like a Life Saver... so I licked it.. but anyways...

It did not work. Not even close. Unless my waist moved to my calves, they did not come even remotely close to my waist.

Sorry Dad, but you were wrong.


PS. What else were you wrong about?! Maybe I'm not really a princess after all.... and what about when you told me that my freckles were angel kisses...... did you lie about that too??!!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Cooking Class

Dear Brittany,

We are sorry to inform you that you are no longer invited to participate in our cooking classes.
It is not proper etiquette to eat all of the eclaires that were prepared for everyone.... even if your piece was "too small for an ant to find" as you so kindly screamed out. And a little FYI... you cannot lick the bowls in cooking class either. Once again, bad etiquette.

We also would like to point out that it is not smart to go on a 10 day crash diet before cooking classes. It was like a shark in a pool of blood when you were surrounded by all those desserts. So while we can understand, we simply cannot allow you to return for the safety of our other cooking students.

The Head Chef at your cooking classes

PS. We are fully aware that the man in the over sized coat with a beard and a hump back that is lurking outside our classes is you. Please stop, it's frightening our students.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Energy Eater

Dear Brittany,

If you're looking for your energy.. your butt ate it.

Good luck getting it to give it up. Your butt really likes bouncing around all day. Or at least so I've been told by your muffin top. Who heard it from your breasts.

Your thighs

PS. We could put a hit man out on your butt. I've heard he's good at "getting rid" of big problems. His name is Mr. Tread E. Mill. Give him a call.

Monday, March 1, 2010


Dear Brittany,

We apologize but we are unable to "give" you an allergy. It is simply not possible to make you allergic to fat. Even if this would solve all your problems.

Your local Allergist

PS. Try exercising. We hear it makes fat run for the hills. So I guess you could consider losing fat an allergic reaction to exercising.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Dear Stairs,

I hate you. I really, really do. You more than anyone make me feel fat every single time I go up you. I pant like I just ran a marathon while carrying only myself after reaching the top. How is that supposed to make me feel? 6 weeks of dieting and I still can't run up you without having a blackout and reaching for an inhaler.

I get so discouraged with you that I'm actually getting lazier. I tell my kids in the afternoon to grab everything they think they'll need from upstairs, because who knows when Mom is going to have the energy to get back up them.

Once I was even tempted to tie sheets together and let my kids slide down into the living room to get that sippy cup that they left on the couch.

Start getting easier for me to climb or I'm intalling an elevator.


PS. The only thing you're good for is stashing my laundry. Such a one trick pony.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Wall Flower

Dear Brittany,

You always thought being a wall flower at the dances was a negative thing.

Of course that was when you were skinny.

Now that you're fat you've learned the advantages.... All the chunky people know the refreshment table is no where near the center of the dance floor.

The refreshment table is a wall flower. The secret's out.

Welcome my friend. Welcome.

The Wall

PS. Don't let the poor souls who were whole heartedly doing the Boot Scootin' Boogie know about this. We don't want them to know what they missed out on... Cookie trays the size of Mt. Rushmore. Sad day for them... good day for you.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Toasty Bones

Dear Brittany,

Right now you should be thanking your lucky stars that I was there to warm your bones during the hour you stood in the freezing cold last night.

Did you see your skinny friend standing there shivering like a maniac? She was cold to the bone. But your bones.. well they were nice and toasty thanks to my incredible insulation job. Talk about energy efficient!

From now on quit complaining about how much I affect your outside and take notice of the good things I do to your inside. You could stand in a blizzard for hours and be as snug as a bug. Your poor friend would've been taken over by frost bite from the inside out.

Give her my card. Tell her I'm running a special. I'll give her 20 pounds of fat for 20 doughnuts.

Your Body Fat

PS. Even though you thought you were literally freezing your butt off... no worries. It's still there. I held on like super glue to that baby. Faithfully yours as always!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Cold Calories

Dear Brittany,



You have been severely misinformed. Just because you cannot taste when you have a cold it does not mean it is "free" calories.

Please think of your thighs when we say this.
Step out of the kitchen.
We will need to check your pockets.
Put down the ice cream carton and stick your hands up.
Then please, no sudden movements.
You've eaten enough that we're sure you could blow any minute.

Now go lie down. We need to deliberate on the best way to burn off the 4,843 excess calories you consumed tonight. Your treadmill and elliptical have already called in sick.

Your New Years Resolution Committee

PS. Yes, we'll need to check your cleavage too. You've been known to hide things in there.


Dear Zumba Class,

Seems like everyone is doing zumba class these days. My friends, my neighbors, the lady at the post office, my hair dressers sisters' aunts' cousin. Pretty sure even my accountants' dog is enrolled in zumba for doggies. Me being the natural born follower that I am wanted to jump on the bandwagon real bad. Really, really bad.

But I am too fat to jump that high. So I missed and landed on my butt. Who knew it was possible to fall off the bandwagon before you even got on it? Well, now you know. It is. I proved it.


PS. What are the odds of getting a "lift" to the bandwagon? I like being lifted so much better than jumping.

Spa Cakes

Dear Brittany,

We thank you for visiting our spa today. We love having return customers and hope that you always feel welcome at our spa.

There is an issue that needs to be addressed though. The complimentary cupcakes that we have sitting out are for ALL of our guests. The sign that says, "Help yourself" should imply that you take one. Not all of them.

Unfortunately we are going to have to bill you for 12 of the 13 cupcakes that you ate at the spa. Only 1 of them was complimentary. Please submit your payment of $25.93 as soon as possible. We take cash, check or money order.

Your local Spa

PS. We have to admit that we are quite impressed with how fast you ate those 13 cupcakes though. Never seen any human being blow through a bakers dozen that quick. Congrats!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Finger Fat

Dear Fingers,

You have completely betrayed me. I thought we were friends. Guess I thought wrong.

For five years I've watched my body go down hill. My stomach started sagging, my breasts quit being perky, my thighs belong on a water buffalo and my butt could be used as a serving tray. But you... you held out. For five years you stayed thin, beautiful and fat-less.

Until now. Suddenly you jump on the bandwagon and get fat. Why?

My wedding ring now feels like a tourniquet. I finally got it off after a bottle of baby lotion and a whole lot of grunting and moaning. I now have a permanant indention in my ring finger. Is this really necessary?


PS.. Thanks a lot fat lovers. You'll see it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Carrot Cake

Dear New Years Resolution Committee,

Carrot Cake. What a cruel joke. You say eat lots of veggies and I being the good dieter that I am nearly peed myself after dinner when I heard there was carrot cake for dessert. I loaded up. Made sure I got my 3 servings for the day in. I have never in my life enjoyed vegetables so much.

Imagine the heartbreak I felt when I heard that each piece had 425 calories in it. Times that by 3 for my daily servings. Carrot Cake. What a rip. From now on I'm asking that it be called "Just the same as any other cake but has shredded vegetables in it cake."

I'm so upset about this that I'm boycotting carrots. At least until they can apologize.


PS. The carrot cake is still haunting me. I can hear it calling from my thighs. It's made quite the cozy home in my cellulite.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Van Floors

Dear Brittany,

Apparently you didn't get the memo, so we're sending this now. Floors are dirty. Van floors are really dirty. This means anything on a van floor is super dirty.

This being the case, we would like you to explain to us why the single Pez candy underneath the seats on your van floor looked so appetizing to you? This is sick.

Although we applaud you on refraining from actually eating the candy, we are slightly concerned with how much you thought about eating it.

Oh yes, we heard your thoughts. "If I wipe off those 3 hairs stuck to it it'll be just fine." "So what if there's some extra surprises with the candy... germs are good for you. Builds up your immune system." We know you thought about that candy the whole ride in and back. And in bed last night at 1 Am.

For your safety we would recommend having your husband go out to the van and disposing of that Pez as soon as possible. We're not sure if you can survive this kind of temptation 2 days in a row.

Your Dirty Van Floors

PS. Maybe you should just stop dieting. Your level of hunger is slightly distubring.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Dressing Room

Dear Brittany,

We still have not been able to locate your waist. We looked in the dressing rooms and it was no where to be found. Maybe you left it at home? Or back in 2005? Have you looked there? Are you positively sure you came into the dressing rooms with a waistline?

Unfortunately they're in such high demand these days that if you did leave it in one of our dressing rooms it was most likely snatched up real quick.

We did check the pockets of those double digit sized jeans you tried on. And quite frankly, if you did come in with a waistline... why were you trying those jeans on in the 1st place? That's why we would suggest looking elsewhere.

Happy Hunting!

Your local clothing store

PS. Try checking Jenny Craig. We hear they're good at finding lost waistlines.

Sunday, February 7, 2010


Dear Brittany,

We are sorry if you feel that we are the cause of your weight gain. However, we can assure you that we are most definitely not.

Just because you had never seen a gynecologist in your life and started gaining weight after your first visit with us, we are not to blame. We can confidently say that weight gain is NOT a side effect of going to the gynecologist. It is a side effect of pregnancy... late night snacking... Taco Bell.... and lack of exercise.

Please promptly remove your "Say no to Gyno" and "Gyno's make you fat" fan clubs from Facebook.

Your Gynecologist

Saturday, February 6, 2010


Dear Skinny People,

For those of you who say, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"... have obviously never tasted Dolce Villa's white chocolate gelato. Cuz believe me, that is purely impossible.

Of course it's been 4 years since I've been able to know how skinny "feels". This leading me to the conclusion that my opinion is biased. To make sure that I have a truely unbiased opinion I would like to "try" being skinny again for one day. Just test it out. Refresh my memory.

I'll be waiting for my Heidi Klum body in the mail.


PS. Please include return postage. Unless of course I can be Heidi Klum AND eat gelato?

Friday, February 5, 2010

Back rolls

Dear Brittany,

You've alway complained about us and yet we saved your life. Some thanks....

Think of the damage that would've been done to your ribs and spine if you had the back of Kate Moss. You would be in a body cast if it wasn't for the extra padding that we provide.

As you glided down the snow covered steps we made sure to absorb most of the impact from your gracious fall. We're like insurance for your back. We protect your precious things.

So the next time you see us hanging out over the back of your bra, don't sigh. Thank us. Call us heros if you must. It's what we do.

Your back rolls

PS. Think of the advantage that having breasts the size of yours on your back would do! We're talking to them about relocating. You could fall on a cement block and those babies would hold strong.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


Dear New Years Resolution Committee,

I am getting desperately hungry. We are on day 35 of my New Years Diet and I think I'm beginning to hallucinate. Today my daughter Kambrie had a red mark on her arm and I licked it thinking it was some left over gelato. Turns out it was just Magic Marker. My mistake.

Also, my mother is not speaking to me because I smelled her breath today after she ate a 5 Layer Burrito. I say it's her fault for bringing those tortilla rolled drops of heaven around me. I have to admit it was good too. All the flavor and none of the calories. She drew the line at burping in my face.

Do you have any suggestions to help me over come my starvation? I'm pretty sure I can see my ribs. Well, underneath the layer of fat. But they're there... trust me.


PS. Sorry this is so short, I have to go. I see a small cluster of things in the corner that look like they could possibly be a dropped cookie or two.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Top Heavy

Dear People Who Design the Bra Sections,

My question to you today is quite simple. Why would anyone in their right mind put the DD bras on the very bottom rack?

Do you know what it's like to bend over when you're already top heavy? Most of the time I find myself bending all the way down there just to find that they don't even have my size. I have to exhort an extreme amount of effort to stand back up straight.

When I finally do find my size, I can't get off the floor. And the whole reason I'm in the bra section is to get things up off the floor.. if ya know what I mean.

Here's my suggestion... leave the bending to the A cup gymnasts. What's a little bending to them? They don't have gravity going against them, not much to keep them down.

Let us Double D's have a break. No one likes to feel like a Weeble Wobble. Gravity is not our friend.... so we're asking you to be.

Brittany and the rest of the top heavy Girls

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Dear Brittany,
This letter is to inform you that you must immediately return to the DMV to have your picture retaken. It appears you wrote "110 pounds" for your weight and we've somehow mixed up your application with this fat girls picture.

We apologize profusely for the confusion.



Monday, February 1, 2010

February Check In

Dear Brittany,

Here is a list of your revised goals for the month of January:
* Exercise everyday
*Scratch that... exercise once a week
*Scratch that... exercise once during the month of January. COMPLETE!

*Lose 2.5 pounds a week
*Scratch that... lose 5 pounds by the end of January...
*Scratch that.... lose 1 pound by the end of January. COMPLETE!

*Eat Healthy
*Scratch that... eat healthy at dinner.
*Scratch that.... eat healthy on the weekends
*Scratch that.... eat 5 layer burritos until you explode. COMPLETE!

As you can see you're doing well at..... revising your goals. Maybe you should try making a goal of NOT revising any goals in February. Just stick to the original plan. That can't be that hard, right?

Your New Years Resolution Committee

PS. Your breasts have made a goal for February to be able to touch your belly button by themselves. We would advise you to do everything in your power to hinder their plans.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Arm Candy

Dear Brittany,

We've decided to give in and and take the same route as the rest of your body. Everything else is starting to droop, so why not us? Sure, call us sheep... followers... don't have a mind of our own... But seriously. Everyone else is doing it and we're tired of feeling left out. So South we go.

Just think of all the advantages you'll have now. All you'll have to do is spread your arms and you can take flight. You can itch your side just by jiggling your arm and your upside down bicep will scratch it for you. Now how's that for convenience?

Just try and not be excited about this. You can thank us later.

Your upside down Biceps

PS. Now that we're on the underside of your arms, try not to forget the deoderant. You don't want to be chubby AND smelly.

Friday, January 29, 2010


Dear Brittany,

We seem to have had a huge miscommunication. I must have misread your letter. I thought it said you wanted plump hips and skinny lips. Apparently you wanted Plump lips and skinny hips. Please accept my sincerest apologies.

Unfortunately this process can not be undone. Sort of a one time deal thing. At least you have one thing going for you. Skinny lips are "in" right???..... No???... ok. Never mind.

Your Body

PS. To show just how sorry I am, I'm sending you one of those cookie bouquets. Don't worry. Your butt will forgive me real fast.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Thank you... Thank you very much...

Dear Brittany,

I would like to personally thank you for inhaling me tonight. I have never seen a person look so thrilled to see anything. The smile I brought to your face was all I ever wanted and totally worth it.

I am so grateful to you that I've decided to stick around for a while. I've heard your butt is taking in boarders. I've also spoken with your thighs and they seem hospitable enough. I did swing by your breasts but it was all so crowded and totally not my scene. I'm thinking something more South. Any suggestions?

The 450 calorie Ice Cream Bar you ate tonight

PS. Just a heads up... If things continue to grow as fast as they have, you might consider asking your breasts to completely stop taking in boarders. I'm sensing some "shifting" of the tectonic plates. And you know that once those suckers shift South... there's no going back. Or up for that matter.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Double Chin

Dear Brittany,

These days we're feeling awfully close to your breast bone. And quite honestly, we're not all that fond of her. If you could find a way to suck us back up to your jaw line that would be lovely.

Your Double Chin

PS. According to latest reports, you're about a half gallon of ice cream and one more 5 layer burrito away from a triple chin. Then we'll be resting on your breasts. Who are currently resting on your muffin top. Who for the time being is resting on your bulbous thighs.... there's a whole lotta resting going on don't ya think?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Knee High Boots

Dear Maker of Knee High Boots,

I don't even know where to begin. I do not fit into the fashion world apparently. Is there a reason you can't seem to make boots that have a wider leg circumference than a licorice rope? Do you think people with "big boned" calves shouldn't be able to wear a decent pair of winter boots?

I'm going to paint you a picture... and it isn't a pretty one. My pants are too tight. I have a mid section muffin top. My bra is squeezing the life out of my northern parts. All I wanted was a good pair of winter boots so my feet didn't freeze. Simple enough right? I try on your boots. The cute ones that go half way up the calf and zip. Well what am I supposed to do when they won't zip? I'm already testing the limits by bending over in my way too tight pants. I can only struggle so much. After much tugging and "sucking" my calves in... (yes, it's possible) I get the zipper up half way. There. Success. I'll take it.

But wait... I have muffin tops........... on my CALVES. Yes. Your ridiculously skinny boots have given my legs muffin tops. I didn't even know this was possible and yet there I stood with inner tubes for knees. The skinny girl next to me with her perfectly zipped knee high boots was thinking, "Here, have a stick of butter to go with those muffins." Thank you very much fashion world.

Sadly my feet are still freezing in my wide flats. If you thought that chunky legs didn't get cold you were wrong. I'll be sending you the bill for my frost bite.


PS. I'm still looking for my knees. I'm beginning to think they're hiding... somewhere up in my thighs.

Monday, January 25, 2010


Dear Brittany,

This letter is to inform you that your breasts are not a collection site for the hungry. When eating please do try to avoid dropping half your lunch into our cleavage. Imagine for a moment if you will.. how miserable it is having mounds of sandwich crumbs encased between your sensitive parts. It's no party. We'll say that much!

Additionally... we are very much in favor of you giving up ice cream. I assume you know why.

Ever heard of a napkin? It would save us a lot of grief.

Your Breasts
In care of Your cleavage

PS. This is your final notice. We gave the 1st two notices to your muffin top when we dropped by. Apparently she didn't pass the message along.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Dear Brittany,

You've met us. You know us as happy, sad, mad, confused, scared, insecure, bored, over joyed.... the list continues. We have many names... A lot of them actually, but you can call us "feelings".

We just wanted to ask what it is that entices you to "eat us"? Kids screaming all day? You reach for the ice cream. Money stresses? Watch out pan of brownies! Fight with the husband? Here comes the chips and dip.

We like to advise you not to eat your feelings anymore. You can thank your past "feelings" for your double digit hips, sagging breasts, extra large muffin top and your super sized behind. In the future try to refrain from eating your feelings and you might see these body parts reduce drastically.

Feelings are not food. Repeat after us... Feelings are not food.


Your feelings

PS. Your neighbor thinks she's better than you.... I'll get the ice cream.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Bad, Bad, Bad

Dear New Years Resolution Committee,

I am writing to inform you that I did the unthinkable tonight. I committed a crime so horrendous that it makes me hang my head in shame.

3 words. Five. Layer. Burrito.

You should probably contact my thigh muscles to let them know that tomorrow they will be incredibly busy serving time for my crime. I will be doing squats until the cows come home.


PS. I tried to stay away. I really did. I think my hunger pains have given me the nose of a bloodhound though. I smelled that burrito half way down the block. I think I'm going to be sick.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Stretch Marks

Dear Brittany,

Why do you hate us so? You say we're ugly, we say we add "character". You miss your pre baby stomach, we say it was pale and colorless.

Think of it like this... do you like plain, white walls? No. You decorate. Hang a picture or two. And that's exactly what we did to your stomach. So why are you so upset?

Despite your hatred towards us, we've decided to spread to your rear end. All that vast, white space needs something colorful to cover up the cellulite. Trust us, it's better this way.

Your Stretch Marks

PS. How mad would you be if we "decorated" on your bosoms? Yes? No? We just thought they could use some cheering up. Everyone knows that a "little pink" is the best way to do that.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Weight Watchers

Dear Brittany,

There seems to be some misunderstanding between you and our point system. The 27 points you are allowed is NOT per meal. It is DAILY. Also, just because you once breastfed, that does not mean you can add the 12 extra points now. That is only if you are CURRENTLY breastfeeding. Oh, and while we're on the subject... yes, we realize you have 2 kids and have breastfed twice. This does not mean in any way that you can add the extra 12 points twice. Again....... you are not CURRENTLY breastfeeding, so those points do not apply to you at all.

We apologize if this small misunderstanding caused you to gain 12 pounds in one week. Maybe if your ears weren't so chubby you could listen better.

Weight Watchers

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Dear Hollywood,

I am spitting mad at you. For the last 24 years you have done everything in your power to make me feel inadequate. Your commercials have told me my eye lashes aren't luscious enough, my legs aren't long enough and my torso isn't small enough. For 24 years I have believed you.

Today however I quit believing you. Quit cold turkey. My 3 year old put her hands on my face and told me I was the most beautiful mommy in the world. Can you compete with that?

I then promptly went to my room, put on my control top pantyhose, applied my thickening mascara, and wrestled my breasts into a push up bra. Why am I such a slave to you?!


PS. Sorry about the smudge in the corner. I dripped some jelly donut while I was writing.