Neighbors

Dear Neighbor Lady with the perfect hair,


And perfect nails.. perfect waistline... perfect kids...

I am writing this letter of apology for what you saw today. I was caught completely off guard when you rang my doorbell at 10 am this morning. I answered it thinking it was UPS. I didn't know people delivered cookies before 4 pm. With their hair done. And all of their clothes on.

I'm totally always usually partially dressed by noon at least. Of course that means most body parts are covered.. doesn't mean they're all "Saddled up". I saw you looking at my knees alot. At least I thought you were looking at my knees. Until I realized I didn't have a bra on. And that must mean you were staring at my "unsaddled" breasts. EMBARASSING.

Your cookies were incredibly good. I tried making you a pan of "thank you" brownies. I was so proud of myself because I only dropped half the batter on the floor once. Kambrie did dip her entire hand in the batter, but it was after we washed her hands. So I figured we were good... I was on the path to success.

After the brownies were out of the oven is when things went down hill. Kynzee threw the ball for our dog, which scared the cat so bad she jumped on the counter. I then had a 20 pound cat sitting in the pan of brownies. I tried really hard to brush off the hair and hide the body imprint, but it didn't work. So no brownies for you.

I hate to be harsh and sound ungrateful, but if you're going to just "swing" by again, please try to make it afternoon and not the butt crack of dawn. No one likes to see a butt crack. And I most certainly did not like opening the door and seeing the sun barely risen over the East mountains. Get some dark curtains or something.

I promise that if you visit later in the day there's a 50/50 chance I'll have a bra on AND be dressed completely. I probably will have already picked up the mess in the front room too so I won't have to shove you outside and close the door. And no, there wasn't anything going on inside as you so kindly asked... I just couldn't imagine you standing in the middle of my living room with a bra on in that kind of mess. Those messes are reserved for braless people. It just wouldn't be right.

So nice to meet you my Stepford Neighbor. I have a feeling we're going to be great friends.

Love,
Brittany


PS. I would totally join your Bunco Ladies Club... but that's my weekly "stuff my face with Dorito's while watching American Idol" night. Dang. Next time.