Cold Calories

Dear Brittany,



URGENT:



PUT DOWN THE TWINKIE AND READ THIS LETTER.





You have been severely misinformed. Just because you cannot taste when you have a cold it does not mean it is "free" calories.



Please think of your thighs when we say this.
Step out of the kitchen.
We will need to check your pockets.
Put down the ice cream carton and stick your hands up.
Then please, no sudden movements.
You've eaten enough that we're sure you could blow any minute.



Now go lie down. We need to deliberate on the best way to burn off the 4,843 excess calories you consumed tonight. Your treadmill and elliptical have already called in sick.

Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee

PS. Yes, we'll need to check your cleavage too. You've been known to hide things in there.