Dear Local "Romance" store,
The pheromone sheet spray you sold me is seriously defective. Much to my husbands dismay, it has given me an appetite.... but not for the right thing.
I mean sure.... it puts me in the mood..... for a "cheeseburger". And there lies the problem.
Your "pheromone" sheet spray is full of hungermones. You should look into that.
It's causing major turmoil in my marriage. My husband was a very happy camper when he woke up to me licking his cheek. That was quickly crushed when he realized I was just trying to lick some of the chocolate milk shake off that I had accidently dribbled onto him. Imagine how surprised he was... he didn't even know I was up eating that milkshake at 2 am. It was like being caught red handed with a mistress.
Hungermones. You're ruining my life. I will be returning this sheet spray and I want a full refund.
Love,
Brittany
PS. Would it be so wrong if I secretly kept it in my purse and sniffed it before I went into the buffets? I mean come on! They charge $10 for those things... I want to get my moneys worth..... No?.... Ok fine.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Saggy??
Dear Breasts,
I've come to a conclusion.
You are not saggy.
You just have bad posture.
Love,
Brittany
PS. Don't fret. 4 years of choir straightened my posture right up. I'm looking into choir for you. You're gonna love it.
I've come to a conclusion.
You are not saggy.
You just have bad posture.
Love,
Brittany
PS. Don't fret. 4 years of choir straightened my posture right up. I'm looking into choir for you. You're gonna love it.
Common Sense
Dear Brittany,
You needed a major dose of me today when you were muttering to yourself, "Where did you come from??!" at your daughter while she was throwing one of her monsterous fits.
What a silly question. You know perfectly well where she came from.
Maybe you should spend less time asking yourself silly questions and instead ask yourself, "Why in the world is it 4 pm and I'm still in my pajamas?" or "How long have those dishes really been sitting in the sink while I've been on Facebook?"
Common sense Brittany. Common sense.
Love always,
Common sense
PS. Speaking of common sense..... Just a little FYI: "Common Sense" and "Your two cents" are NOT the same thing. Please remember this when giving advice.
You needed a major dose of me today when you were muttering to yourself, "Where did you come from??!" at your daughter while she was throwing one of her monsterous fits.
What a silly question. You know perfectly well where she came from.
Maybe you should spend less time asking yourself silly questions and instead ask yourself, "Why in the world is it 4 pm and I'm still in my pajamas?" or "How long have those dishes really been sitting in the sink while I've been on Facebook?"
Common sense Brittany. Common sense.
Love always,
Common sense
PS. Speaking of common sense..... Just a little FYI: "Common Sense" and "Your two cents" are NOT the same thing. Please remember this when giving advice.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Eviction Notice
Dear Brittany,
I've been reading your blog and have come to a very startling realization. You think I'm the one who took off never to be found again. For some reason you've gotten it into your head that I left you high and dry 5 years ago. This is not true. Please hear me out.
5 years ago I was in top shape. Nothing sagged, everything was relatively smooth and I only consisted of good bulges. I was loving life.
To my dismay I was served with an eviction notice by some creep called "Pregnancy". Yep, it's true. He just slapped up a notice saying I had 9 months to vacate. So I took off. I had no choice.
I've snuck around here and there to see what's going on. I don't like what the renters have done at all. Stretch marks, there's usually an overgrown lawn on your legs and they've allowed your breasts to completely take over. Let's not even get started on the back yard. Who needs that much space anyways? Unless they're planning a neighborhood fiesta, I don't get the point of that massive amount of space they've allowed to happen.
I am begging you to let me come back. Now's a good time. Serve them with an eviction notice. You can find one under the name of "GYM".
Love,
Your old body
I've been reading your blog and have come to a very startling realization. You think I'm the one who took off never to be found again. For some reason you've gotten it into your head that I left you high and dry 5 years ago. This is not true. Please hear me out.
5 years ago I was in top shape. Nothing sagged, everything was relatively smooth and I only consisted of good bulges. I was loving life.
To my dismay I was served with an eviction notice by some creep called "Pregnancy". Yep, it's true. He just slapped up a notice saying I had 9 months to vacate. So I took off. I had no choice.
I've snuck around here and there to see what's going on. I don't like what the renters have done at all. Stretch marks, there's usually an overgrown lawn on your legs and they've allowed your breasts to completely take over. Let's not even get started on the back yard. Who needs that much space anyways? Unless they're planning a neighborhood fiesta, I don't get the point of that massive amount of space they've allowed to happen.
I am begging you to let me come back. Now's a good time. Serve them with an eviction notice. You can find one under the name of "GYM".
Love,
Your old body
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The NEW situps
Dear Friends,
I am a genius. And you're about to discover why....
Please do not think I am weird at our next Ladies Night Out. Yes, I will be laying on the floor during all of our hilariously funny conversations. Why you ask??... well it's just simple logic.
Whenever we engage in our "tee hee hee" talks I laugh so hard I rock back and forth, frontwards and backwards. By the end of the night my stomach is actually sore. I, being the multi tasker that I am.. have decided that if I'm laying on the floor while laughing, I can rock myself right into a sit up.
It's funny AND it's exercise. The only thing that would make it better is if there was a long straw with a milk shake on the other end waiting for me at the end of each sit up.
Lay on the floor and laugh people. It's good for your health.
Love,
Brittany
PS. Please do not let this amazing new exercise get out. I'm pretty sure I created Zumba in my bathroom when I was trying to get my jeans on. Somehow it got out... and now look at all the money I've missed out on. I'm keeping this one to myself. The skinny girls can keep doing their un-fun sit ups.
I am a genius. And you're about to discover why....
Please do not think I am weird at our next Ladies Night Out. Yes, I will be laying on the floor during all of our hilariously funny conversations. Why you ask??... well it's just simple logic.
Whenever we engage in our "tee hee hee" talks I laugh so hard I rock back and forth, frontwards and backwards. By the end of the night my stomach is actually sore. I, being the multi tasker that I am.. have decided that if I'm laying on the floor while laughing, I can rock myself right into a sit up.
It's funny AND it's exercise. The only thing that would make it better is if there was a long straw with a milk shake on the other end waiting for me at the end of each sit up.
Lay on the floor and laugh people. It's good for your health.
Love,
Brittany
PS. Please do not let this amazing new exercise get out. I'm pretty sure I created Zumba in my bathroom when I was trying to get my jeans on. Somehow it got out... and now look at all the money I've missed out on. I'm keeping this one to myself. The skinny girls can keep doing their un-fun sit ups.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
