Eviction Notice

Dear Brittany,

I've been reading your blog and have come to a very startling realization. You think I'm the one who took off never to be found again. For some reason you've gotten it into your head that I left you high and dry 5 years ago. This is not true. Please hear me out.

5 years ago I was in top shape. Nothing sagged, everything was relatively smooth and I only consisted of good bulges. I was loving life.

To my dismay I was served with an eviction notice by some creep called "Pregnancy". Yep, it's true. He just slapped up a notice saying I had 9 months to vacate. So I took off. I had no choice.

I've snuck around here and there to see what's going on. I don't like what the renters have done at all. Stretch marks, there's usually an overgrown lawn on your legs and they've allowed your breasts to completely take over. Let's not even get started on the back yard. Who needs that much space anyways? Unless they're planning a neighborhood fiesta, I don't get the point of that massive amount of space they've allowed to happen.

I am begging you to let me come back. Now's a good time. Serve them with an eviction notice. You can find one under the name of "GYM".

Love,
Your old body