Safety Concerns

Dear Brittany,


I am writing this letter to let you know that I will no longer be dining with you while you are on this diet.

I am so sad to cancel our weekly Ladies Pie Night.. but I have some concerns for my safety after last night.

I cringed every time you shoved a piece of fruit into your mouth and glared at my hot plate of cheese fries.

I am sorry, but I'm not the one who ordered a bowl of fruit at Free Pie Night. It was rude of you to take out your hunger on me. I nearly stopped being friends with you when you attempted to lick the ranch dressing off my arm that I had dribbled. That's what napkins are for Brittany.

Right after we ate I shoved a piece of gum in my mouth so fast just to throw you off my scent trail. I figured if you couldn't smell the cheese fries on my breath it would be safer for us all. You had a crazed look in your eyes. Forgive me.

So until you're off this diet let's try doing non eating activities. It's for the best.

Love,
Your Non-dieting Friend


PS. I also think it's best if you stay at least 3 ft from me at all times. I'm worried you're going to think my Cotton Candy body spray is more than just a spray...