Dear Brittany,
We've decided to give in and and take the same route as the rest of your body. Everything else is starting to droop, so why not us? Sure, call us sheep... followers... don't have a mind of our own... But seriously. Everyone else is doing it and we're tired of feeling left out. So South we go.
Just think of all the advantages you'll have now. All you'll have to do is spread your arms and you can take flight. You can itch your side just by jiggling your arm and your upside down bicep will scratch it for you. Now how's that for convenience?
Just try and not be excited about this. You can thank us later.
Love,
Your upside down Biceps
PS. Now that we're on the underside of your arms, try not to forget the deoderant. You don't want to be chubby AND smelly.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Miscommunication
Dear Brittany,
We seem to have had a huge miscommunication. I must have misread your letter. I thought it said you wanted plump hips and skinny lips. Apparently you wanted Plump lips and skinny hips. Please accept my sincerest apologies.
Unfortunately this process can not be undone. Sort of a one time deal thing. At least you have one thing going for you. Skinny lips are "in" right???..... No???... ok. Never mind.
Love,
Your Body
PS. To show just how sorry I am, I'm sending you one of those cookie bouquets. Don't worry. Your butt will forgive me real fast.
We seem to have had a huge miscommunication. I must have misread your letter. I thought it said you wanted plump hips and skinny lips. Apparently you wanted Plump lips and skinny hips. Please accept my sincerest apologies.
Unfortunately this process can not be undone. Sort of a one time deal thing. At least you have one thing going for you. Skinny lips are "in" right???..... No???... ok. Never mind.
Love,
Your Body
PS. To show just how sorry I am, I'm sending you one of those cookie bouquets. Don't worry. Your butt will forgive me real fast.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thank you... Thank you very much...
Dear Brittany,
I would like to personally thank you for inhaling me tonight. I have never seen a person look so thrilled to see anything. The smile I brought to your face was all I ever wanted and totally worth it.
I am so grateful to you that I've decided to stick around for a while. I've heard your butt is taking in boarders. I've also spoken with your thighs and they seem hospitable enough. I did swing by your breasts but it was all so crowded and totally not my scene. I'm thinking something more South. Any suggestions?
Love,
The 450 calorie Ice Cream Bar you ate tonight
PS. Just a heads up... If things continue to grow as fast as they have, you might consider asking your breasts to completely stop taking in boarders. I'm sensing some "shifting" of the tectonic plates. And you know that once those suckers shift South... there's no going back. Or up for that matter.
I would like to personally thank you for inhaling me tonight. I have never seen a person look so thrilled to see anything. The smile I brought to your face was all I ever wanted and totally worth it.
I am so grateful to you that I've decided to stick around for a while. I've heard your butt is taking in boarders. I've also spoken with your thighs and they seem hospitable enough. I did swing by your breasts but it was all so crowded and totally not my scene. I'm thinking something more South. Any suggestions?
Love,
The 450 calorie Ice Cream Bar you ate tonight
PS. Just a heads up... If things continue to grow as fast as they have, you might consider asking your breasts to completely stop taking in boarders. I'm sensing some "shifting" of the tectonic plates. And you know that once those suckers shift South... there's no going back. Or up for that matter.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Double Chin
Dear Brittany,
These days we're feeling awfully close to your breast bone. And quite honestly, we're not all that fond of her. If you could find a way to suck us back up to your jaw line that would be lovely.
Love,
Your Double Chin
PS. According to latest reports, you're about a half gallon of ice cream and one more 5 layer burrito away from a triple chin. Then we'll be resting on your breasts. Who are currently resting on your muffin top. Who for the time being is resting on your bulbous thighs.... there's a whole lotta resting going on don't ya think?
These days we're feeling awfully close to your breast bone. And quite honestly, we're not all that fond of her. If you could find a way to suck us back up to your jaw line that would be lovely.
Love,
Your Double Chin
PS. According to latest reports, you're about a half gallon of ice cream and one more 5 layer burrito away from a triple chin. Then we'll be resting on your breasts. Who are currently resting on your muffin top. Who for the time being is resting on your bulbous thighs.... there's a whole lotta resting going on don't ya think?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Knee High Boots
Dear Maker of Knee High Boots,
I don't even know where to begin. I do not fit into the fashion world apparently. Is there a reason you can't seem to make boots that have a wider leg circumference than a licorice rope? Do you think people with "big boned" calves shouldn't be able to wear a decent pair of winter boots?
I'm going to paint you a picture... and it isn't a pretty one. My pants are too tight. I have a mid section muffin top. My bra is squeezing the life out of my northern parts. All I wanted was a good pair of winter boots so my feet didn't freeze. Simple enough right? I try on your boots. The cute ones that go half way up the calf and zip. Well what am I supposed to do when they won't zip? I'm already testing the limits by bending over in my way too tight pants. I can only struggle so much. After much tugging and "sucking" my calves in... (yes, it's possible) I get the zipper up half way. There. Success. I'll take it.
But wait... I have muffin tops........... on my CALVES. Yes. Your ridiculously skinny boots have given my legs muffin tops. I didn't even know this was possible and yet there I stood with inner tubes for knees. The skinny girl next to me with her perfectly zipped knee high boots was thinking, "Here, have a stick of butter to go with those muffins." Thank you very much fashion world.
Sadly my feet are still freezing in my wide flats. If you thought that chunky legs didn't get cold you were wrong. I'll be sending you the bill for my frost bite.
Love,
Brittany
PS. I'm still looking for my knees. I'm beginning to think they're hiding... somewhere up in my thighs.
I don't even know where to begin. I do not fit into the fashion world apparently. Is there a reason you can't seem to make boots that have a wider leg circumference than a licorice rope? Do you think people with "big boned" calves shouldn't be able to wear a decent pair of winter boots?
I'm going to paint you a picture... and it isn't a pretty one. My pants are too tight. I have a mid section muffin top. My bra is squeezing the life out of my northern parts. All I wanted was a good pair of winter boots so my feet didn't freeze. Simple enough right? I try on your boots. The cute ones that go half way up the calf and zip. Well what am I supposed to do when they won't zip? I'm already testing the limits by bending over in my way too tight pants. I can only struggle so much. After much tugging and "sucking" my calves in... (yes, it's possible) I get the zipper up half way. There. Success. I'll take it.
But wait... I have muffin tops........... on my CALVES. Yes. Your ridiculously skinny boots have given my legs muffin tops. I didn't even know this was possible and yet there I stood with inner tubes for knees. The skinny girl next to me with her perfectly zipped knee high boots was thinking, "Here, have a stick of butter to go with those muffins." Thank you very much fashion world.
Sadly my feet are still freezing in my wide flats. If you thought that chunky legs didn't get cold you were wrong. I'll be sending you the bill for my frost bite.
Love,
Brittany
PS. I'm still looking for my knees. I'm beginning to think they're hiding... somewhere up in my thighs.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Cleavage
Dear Brittany,
This letter is to inform you that your breasts are not a collection site for the hungry. When eating please do try to avoid dropping half your lunch into our cleavage. Imagine for a moment if you will.. how miserable it is having mounds of sandwich crumbs encased between your sensitive parts. It's no party. We'll say that much!
Additionally... we are very much in favor of you giving up ice cream. I assume you know why.
Ever heard of a napkin? It would save us a lot of grief.
Love,
Your Breasts
In care of Your cleavage
PS. This is your final notice. We gave the 1st two notices to your muffin top when we dropped by. Apparently she didn't pass the message along.
This letter is to inform you that your breasts are not a collection site for the hungry. When eating please do try to avoid dropping half your lunch into our cleavage. Imagine for a moment if you will.. how miserable it is having mounds of sandwich crumbs encased between your sensitive parts. It's no party. We'll say that much!
Additionally... we are very much in favor of you giving up ice cream. I assume you know why.
Ever heard of a napkin? It would save us a lot of grief.
Love,
Your Breasts
In care of Your cleavage
PS. This is your final notice. We gave the 1st two notices to your muffin top when we dropped by. Apparently she didn't pass the message along.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Feelings
Dear Brittany,
You've met us. You know us as happy, sad, mad, confused, scared, insecure, bored, over joyed.... the list continues. We have many names... A lot of them actually, but you can call us "feelings".
We just wanted to ask what it is that entices you to "eat us"? Kids screaming all day? You reach for the ice cream. Money stresses? Watch out pan of brownies! Fight with the husband? Here comes the chips and dip.
We like to advise you not to eat your feelings anymore. You can thank your past "feelings" for your double digit hips, sagging breasts, extra large muffin top and your super sized behind. In the future try to refrain from eating your feelings and you might see these body parts reduce drastically.
Feelings are not food. Repeat after us... Feelings are not food.
Love,
Your feelings
PS. Your neighbor thinks she's better than you.... I'll get the ice cream.
You've met us. You know us as happy, sad, mad, confused, scared, insecure, bored, over joyed.... the list continues. We have many names... A lot of them actually, but you can call us "feelings".
We just wanted to ask what it is that entices you to "eat us"? Kids screaming all day? You reach for the ice cream. Money stresses? Watch out pan of brownies! Fight with the husband? Here comes the chips and dip.
We like to advise you not to eat your feelings anymore. You can thank your past "feelings" for your double digit hips, sagging breasts, extra large muffin top and your super sized behind. In the future try to refrain from eating your feelings and you might see these body parts reduce drastically.
Feelings are not food. Repeat after us... Feelings are not food.
Love,
Your feelings
PS. Your neighbor thinks she's better than you.... I'll get the ice cream.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Bad, Bad, Bad
Dear New Years Resolution Committee,
I am writing to inform you that I did the unthinkable tonight. I committed a crime so horrendous that it makes me hang my head in shame.
3 words. Five. Layer. Burrito.
You should probably contact my thigh muscles to let them know that tomorrow they will be incredibly busy serving time for my crime. I will be doing squats until the cows come home.
Love,
Brittany
PS. I tried to stay away. I really did. I think my hunger pains have given me the nose of a bloodhound though. I smelled that burrito half way down the block. I think I'm going to be sick.
I am writing to inform you that I did the unthinkable tonight. I committed a crime so horrendous that it makes me hang my head in shame.
3 words. Five. Layer. Burrito.
You should probably contact my thigh muscles to let them know that tomorrow they will be incredibly busy serving time for my crime. I will be doing squats until the cows come home.
Love,
Brittany
PS. I tried to stay away. I really did. I think my hunger pains have given me the nose of a bloodhound though. I smelled that burrito half way down the block. I think I'm going to be sick.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Stretch Marks
Dear Brittany,
Why do you hate us so? You say we're ugly, we say we add "character". You miss your pre baby stomach, we say it was pale and colorless.
Think of it like this... do you like plain, white walls? No. You decorate. Hang a picture or two. And that's exactly what we did to your stomach. So why are you so upset?
Despite your hatred towards us, we've decided to spread to your rear end. All that vast, white space needs something colorful to cover up the cellulite. Trust us, it's better this way.
Love,
Your Stretch Marks
PS. How mad would you be if we "decorated" on your bosoms? Yes? No? We just thought they could use some cheering up. Everyone knows that a "little pink" is the best way to do that.
Why do you hate us so? You say we're ugly, we say we add "character". You miss your pre baby stomach, we say it was pale and colorless.
Think of it like this... do you like plain, white walls? No. You decorate. Hang a picture or two. And that's exactly what we did to your stomach. So why are you so upset?
Despite your hatred towards us, we've decided to spread to your rear end. All that vast, white space needs something colorful to cover up the cellulite. Trust us, it's better this way.
Love,
Your Stretch Marks
PS. How mad would you be if we "decorated" on your bosoms? Yes? No? We just thought they could use some cheering up. Everyone knows that a "little pink" is the best way to do that.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Weight Watchers
Dear Brittany,
There seems to be some misunderstanding between you and our point system. The 27 points you are allowed is NOT per meal. It is DAILY. Also, just because you once breastfed, that does not mean you can add the 12 extra points now. That is only if you are CURRENTLY breastfeeding. Oh, and while we're on the subject... yes, we realize you have 2 kids and have breastfed twice. This does not mean in any way that you can add the extra 12 points twice. Again....... you are not CURRENTLY breastfeeding, so those points do not apply to you at all.
We apologize if this small misunderstanding caused you to gain 12 pounds in one week. Maybe if your ears weren't so chubby you could listen better.
Love,
Weight Watchers
There seems to be some misunderstanding between you and our point system. The 27 points you are allowed is NOT per meal. It is DAILY. Also, just because you once breastfed, that does not mean you can add the 12 extra points now. That is only if you are CURRENTLY breastfeeding. Oh, and while we're on the subject... yes, we realize you have 2 kids and have breastfed twice. This does not mean in any way that you can add the extra 12 points twice. Again....... you are not CURRENTLY breastfeeding, so those points do not apply to you at all.
We apologize if this small misunderstanding caused you to gain 12 pounds in one week. Maybe if your ears weren't so chubby you could listen better.
Love,
Weight Watchers
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Hollywood
Dear Hollywood,
I am spitting mad at you. For the last 24 years you have done everything in your power to make me feel inadequate. Your commercials have told me my eye lashes aren't luscious enough, my legs aren't long enough and my torso isn't small enough. For 24 years I have believed you.
Today however I quit believing you. Quit cold turkey. My 3 year old put her hands on my face and told me I was the most beautiful mommy in the world. Can you compete with that?
I then promptly went to my room, put on my control top pantyhose, applied my thickening mascara, and wrestled my breasts into a push up bra. Why am I such a slave to you?!
Love,
Brittany
PS. Sorry about the smudge in the corner. I dripped some jelly donut while I was writing.
I am spitting mad at you. For the last 24 years you have done everything in your power to make me feel inadequate. Your commercials have told me my eye lashes aren't luscious enough, my legs aren't long enough and my torso isn't small enough. For 24 years I have believed you.
Today however I quit believing you. Quit cold turkey. My 3 year old put her hands on my face and told me I was the most beautiful mommy in the world. Can you compete with that?
I then promptly went to my room, put on my control top pantyhose, applied my thickening mascara, and wrestled my breasts into a push up bra. Why am I such a slave to you?!
Love,
Brittany
PS. Sorry about the smudge in the corner. I dripped some jelly donut while I was writing.
Shaving
Dear Brittany,
We were just wondering if you were aware that you have thighs? Two of them to be exact..
Why you ask? Well it's been 4 years since you've shaved above your knees. Except for your anniversary of course and your husbands birthdays.
In case you didn't notice your thighs have not ceased to grow hair. Unless you have some condition that does not allow your arms to reach your thighs with the shaver.. we would like to request that you pay us some attention. The knees are not a stopping point.
You try wearing a winter coat for 4 years. Good grief girl.
Love,
Your Thighs
PS. Your excuse of "not seeing us" is really pathetic. Honey, we're so large a blind man wouldn't have trouble finding us :)
We were just wondering if you were aware that you have thighs? Two of them to be exact..
Why you ask? Well it's been 4 years since you've shaved above your knees. Except for your anniversary of course and your husbands birthdays.
In case you didn't notice your thighs have not ceased to grow hair. Unless you have some condition that does not allow your arms to reach your thighs with the shaver.. we would like to request that you pay us some attention. The knees are not a stopping point.
You try wearing a winter coat for 4 years. Good grief girl.
Love,
Your Thighs
PS. Your excuse of "not seeing us" is really pathetic. Honey, we're so large a blind man wouldn't have trouble finding us :)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
DIEt
Dear Brittany,
I don't think it's a coincidence that the word "diet" starts with DIE.
That is all.
Love,
Your starving stomach
PS. If you threw me a few extra crumbs I wouldn't tell a soul. I swear.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the word "diet" starts with DIE.
That is all.
Love,
Your starving stomach
PS. If you threw me a few extra crumbs I wouldn't tell a soul. I swear.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Scales and Such
Dear Brittany,
It's obvious that you've been avoiding me. I know we've never been "best friends", but this is getting out of hand. Do you realize that when you kick me under the bath tub, I haven't disappeared? Or when you throw a towel over me....? You can't ignore me forever.
Moving on... going off your behavior the last time you used me, I feel some things need to be addressed. You cannot stand on me and lean against the wall. No matter what your head tells you, that is cheating. Also, moving one foot slightly off the scale is not giving you an accurate weight either. Try to be honest. Is that so hard?
Love,
Your Bathroom Scale
PS. I've looked over your list you submitted for "Reasons to Deduct Pounds"... You'll see my response next to them.
* Clothing -15 pounds........... Are you an Eskimo? Not quite. Try -2 pounds
* The 5 layer Burrito you just ate -7 pounds..... Denied. Sorry
* Your hair is getting longer -4 pounds.... Denied.
* You feel your head is slightly large compared to your body -3 pounds... Denied. Not true.
It's obvious that you've been avoiding me. I know we've never been "best friends", but this is getting out of hand. Do you realize that when you kick me under the bath tub, I haven't disappeared? Or when you throw a towel over me....? You can't ignore me forever.
Moving on... going off your behavior the last time you used me, I feel some things need to be addressed. You cannot stand on me and lean against the wall. No matter what your head tells you, that is cheating. Also, moving one foot slightly off the scale is not giving you an accurate weight either. Try to be honest. Is that so hard?
Love,
Your Bathroom Scale
PS. I've looked over your list you submitted for "Reasons to Deduct Pounds"... You'll see my response next to them.
* Clothing -15 pounds........... Are you an Eskimo? Not quite. Try -2 pounds
* The 5 layer Burrito you just ate -7 pounds..... Denied. Sorry
* Your hair is getting longer -4 pounds.... Denied.
* You feel your head is slightly large compared to your body -3 pounds... Denied. Not true.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Two Thumbs Up
Dear Brittany,
We congratulate you on your ability to be strong and avoid eating that Frosty last night. We know it was tempting and we've never seen anyone sweat so much. But you held out and we're so proud of you.
However.....
In your decision to reward yourself with a 1/4 of a bag of Cheetos..... probably not the smartest choice you've ever made. To avoid any future mishaps, we've compiled a list of acceptable "rewards" for you.
* Go for a run! Yay!
* If you must eat.... an apple... or 4 raspberries. (yum!)
* 1 tall glass of ice water
* 20 sit ups, and since this is "rewards" do them girl style! (Woohoo!)
We hope you're as excited about these rewards as we are. Good luck!
Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee
PS. Due to the disaster with the Cheetos last night... your double chin has put $50 on you failing to lose any weight. It's so certain of this that it's looking into expanding to a triple chin. So far the odds of you actually reaching your goal weight are not in your favor at all. Go underdog!
We congratulate you on your ability to be strong and avoid eating that Frosty last night. We know it was tempting and we've never seen anyone sweat so much. But you held out and we're so proud of you.
However.....
In your decision to reward yourself with a 1/4 of a bag of Cheetos..... probably not the smartest choice you've ever made. To avoid any future mishaps, we've compiled a list of acceptable "rewards" for you.
* Go for a run! Yay!
* If you must eat.... an apple... or 4 raspberries. (yum!)
* 1 tall glass of ice water
* 20 sit ups, and since this is "rewards" do them girl style! (Woohoo!)
We hope you're as excited about these rewards as we are. Good luck!
Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee
PS. Due to the disaster with the Cheetos last night... your double chin has put $50 on you failing to lose any weight. It's so certain of this that it's looking into expanding to a triple chin. So far the odds of you actually reaching your goal weight are not in your favor at all. Go underdog!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Muffin Top
Dear Brittany,
Life is getting awfully uncomfortable for me lately. What is the deal with trying to squeeze into smaller pants? I know you're feeling "skinnier" these days, but hello! Look down! I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere!
When you attempt to put on your "skinny" pants you make it very hard for me to breathe. It gets even worse once you actually try to button them. I've never felt so choked in my entire life. What happened to the days of you wearing your stretchy waist band maternity pants? So what if Kambrie's almost 3! They were comfortable and they didn't cause me to struggle to live.
Life is not easy when you're a muffin top. Everyone likes muffins... but muffin tops, no way. So go easy on me. I didn't ask for this. If you remember correctly you invited me in with your mashed potatoes and gravy pregnancy cravings.
Love,
Your Muffin Top
PS. Your breasts stopped by the other day. It was quite uncomfortable. They have no business being down here. Could you possibly ask them to stay out of the South and head North?
Life is getting awfully uncomfortable for me lately. What is the deal with trying to squeeze into smaller pants? I know you're feeling "skinnier" these days, but hello! Look down! I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere!
When you attempt to put on your "skinny" pants you make it very hard for me to breathe. It gets even worse once you actually try to button them. I've never felt so choked in my entire life. What happened to the days of you wearing your stretchy waist band maternity pants? So what if Kambrie's almost 3! They were comfortable and they didn't cause me to struggle to live.
Life is not easy when you're a muffin top. Everyone likes muffins... but muffin tops, no way. So go easy on me. I didn't ask for this. If you remember correctly you invited me in with your mashed potatoes and gravy pregnancy cravings.
Love,
Your Muffin Top
PS. Your breasts stopped by the other day. It was quite uncomfortable. They have no business being down here. Could you possibly ask them to stay out of the South and head North?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Bra Makers
Dear Bra Makers,
There is something seriously wrong with the world when my breasts and I have 2 options. Black or white. And black only if it's my lucky day.
The bra section is full of "cutsie" bras filled with personality. What if my breasts and I want lace? How about polka dots? What if they just want to feel sexy in some super hot pink? I'm sorry... but when's the last time your breasts felt sexy in a plain white, Grandma style bra? It's not happening.
Also, I'm not sure who's bright idea it was to make large size bras without any underwire or support, but it was obviously not a big breasted person. Why would you even wear a bra if they're just going to graze your knees while you walk anyways? I don't want things bouncing around.. hence the bra. So why would you make one that offers no support at all? You try chasing your toddlers around with 30 pound balls of jello bouncing around in your face. Not an easy task my friend. I've suffered many a black eye.
Big breasts want to feel pretty too. Please pay them some attention. And no, I don't mean stare at them more. I simply mean try making a bra with personality for sizes larger than a C. :)
Love,
Brittany
PS. Please hurry. My husband is totally not digging the sequins and and pom pom balls I've glued onto my bras in an attempt to "decorate them".
There is something seriously wrong with the world when my breasts and I have 2 options. Black or white. And black only if it's my lucky day.
The bra section is full of "cutsie" bras filled with personality. What if my breasts and I want lace? How about polka dots? What if they just want to feel sexy in some super hot pink? I'm sorry... but when's the last time your breasts felt sexy in a plain white, Grandma style bra? It's not happening.
Also, I'm not sure who's bright idea it was to make large size bras without any underwire or support, but it was obviously not a big breasted person. Why would you even wear a bra if they're just going to graze your knees while you walk anyways? I don't want things bouncing around.. hence the bra. So why would you make one that offers no support at all? You try chasing your toddlers around with 30 pound balls of jello bouncing around in your face. Not an easy task my friend. I've suffered many a black eye.
Big breasts want to feel pretty too. Please pay them some attention. And no, I don't mean stare at them more. I simply mean try making a bra with personality for sizes larger than a C. :)
Love,
Brittany
PS. Please hurry. My husband is totally not digging the sequins and and pom pom balls I've glued onto my bras in an attempt to "decorate them".
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Dumb bells and Sit-ups
Dear Brittany,
Regardless of what you tell yourself, exercise will not hurt you. Also, there is no known cases today of "exercise allergies". The shortness of breath, sore muscles and racing heart are all normal and completely common symptoms of exercising and not symptoms of an allergic attack. We promise you that if you continue to exercise you will only benefit you and your health. Try to stick with it.
Love,
Your Local Personal Trainer
PS. Even if it "hurts really bad" according to your description..... situps are good for you. No they will not kill you, and yes, you can do more than 5 without dying.
Regardless of what you tell yourself, exercise will not hurt you. Also, there is no known cases today of "exercise allergies". The shortness of breath, sore muscles and racing heart are all normal and completely common symptoms of exercising and not symptoms of an allergic attack. We promise you that if you continue to exercise you will only benefit you and your health. Try to stick with it.
Love,
Your Local Personal Trainer
PS. Even if it "hurts really bad" according to your description..... situps are good for you. No they will not kill you, and yes, you can do more than 5 without dying.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Skinny Jeans
Dear Maker of Skinny Jeans,
I find your product incredibly misleading. Imagine my excitement when I went to the department store and saw "skinny jeans" advertised in the front window. Could it be? Jeans that make you skinny?! I quickly grabbed some and headed to the nearest dressing room. I was full of anticipation until I saw them on me. I looked like a muffin on a stick. And that's not the look I was going for. Trust me.
Maybe you should consider calling them, "Skinny jeans for skinny people only" jeans. Or "Beware Fat Girls Jeans". It would save us "curvy" girls some major embarassment in the dressing room when we can't peel them off and have to get the assistance of our husbands.
I can guarantee you that if you did make "skinny" jeans that helped us from the chub club appear "skinny", you would sell more than you ever imagined. If you ever decide to go forward with this type of product feel free to use me for your poster girl. My agents are waiting.
Love,
Brittany
I find your product incredibly misleading. Imagine my excitement when I went to the department store and saw "skinny jeans" advertised in the front window. Could it be? Jeans that make you skinny?! I quickly grabbed some and headed to the nearest dressing room. I was full of anticipation until I saw them on me. I looked like a muffin on a stick. And that's not the look I was going for. Trust me.
Maybe you should consider calling them, "Skinny jeans for skinny people only" jeans. Or "Beware Fat Girls Jeans". It would save us "curvy" girls some major embarassment in the dressing room when we can't peel them off and have to get the assistance of our husbands.
I can guarantee you that if you did make "skinny" jeans that helped us from the chub club appear "skinny", you would sell more than you ever imagined. If you ever decide to go forward with this type of product feel free to use me for your poster girl. My agents are waiting.
Love,
Brittany
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Ranch Soup
Dear Brittany,
We think it's great that you like to eat salads. However, the salad you ate last night could probably be called less salad and more "ranch soup". Drenching your salad in ranch defeats the purpose of you actually eating the salad.
Oh and while we're on the subject of dinner last night... if next to your salad there is a mountain of rice with a puddle of gravy.... maybe you should just set the plate down and walk away. We're just sayin'..... Once again, Not helping.
Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee.
PS. Your thighs called. They want their space back. They're so sick of rubbing together while you walk. It causes way too much friction between them.
We think it's great that you like to eat salads. However, the salad you ate last night could probably be called less salad and more "ranch soup". Drenching your salad in ranch defeats the purpose of you actually eating the salad.
Oh and while we're on the subject of dinner last night... if next to your salad there is a mountain of rice with a puddle of gravy.... maybe you should just set the plate down and walk away. We're just sayin'..... Once again, Not helping.
Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee.
PS. Your thighs called. They want their space back. They're so sick of rubbing together while you walk. It causes way too much friction between them.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Size 5 Jeans
Dear Size 5 Jeans,
Oh how I miss you. I know, I know... I called you fat when I used to wear you. And I cannot express how sorry I am for that. It's just one of those "never realize what you've got until it's gone" things. I took the fact that I actually had a waist and a butt that wasn't measured in tons for granted. I'm so, so sorry.
It seems like just yesterday you were on the top of my closet pile rather than hidden way, way, way back there. I'm still not quite sure what happened, seems like one day you were here and the next day you were replaced with maternity pants, double digit sizes and then.. (cough cough gasp) stretchy pants. It's all kind of a blur of pregnancy, midnight cravings, ice cream cartons and America's Next Top Model Re-runs.
Relationships are supposed to be about compromise. So I was thinking.... if I could manage to lose a little bit of weight maybe you could manage to stretch out a little. If you could give me just a wee bit more wiggle room we just might be able to be friends again. Until then enjoy the dark closet.
Love,
Brittany
PS. I know you're not going to fit for a while still.... but I'm pretty sure you're just messing with my head when you won't go past my knees. I know you could probably get all the way to my thighs. Right?........................... Right??!
Oh how I miss you. I know, I know... I called you fat when I used to wear you. And I cannot express how sorry I am for that. It's just one of those "never realize what you've got until it's gone" things. I took the fact that I actually had a waist and a butt that wasn't measured in tons for granted. I'm so, so sorry.
It seems like just yesterday you were on the top of my closet pile rather than hidden way, way, way back there. I'm still not quite sure what happened, seems like one day you were here and the next day you were replaced with maternity pants, double digit sizes and then.. (cough cough gasp) stretchy pants. It's all kind of a blur of pregnancy, midnight cravings, ice cream cartons and America's Next Top Model Re-runs.
Relationships are supposed to be about compromise. So I was thinking.... if I could manage to lose a little bit of weight maybe you could manage to stretch out a little. If you could give me just a wee bit more wiggle room we just might be able to be friends again. Until then enjoy the dark closet.
Love,
Brittany
PS. I know you're not going to fit for a while still.... but I'm pretty sure you're just messing with my head when you won't go past my knees. I know you could probably get all the way to my thighs. Right?........................... Right??!
Wii Sports
Dear Brittany,
We regret to tell you that we are not able to refund your money for "Wii Sports". Yes, we realize that you have tried it "quite a few times" throughout the 1 year period you've had it... but there is no guarantee on the box that says it is guaranteed to make you look like your sister. Especially after only a few scattered times of playing it. And no, we don't care what the sales lady at the store told you.
If you would like to look like your sister, maybe you should try getting a daily exercise routine instead of bi-monthly. You're much more likely to see results then. Good luck to you on your weight loss journey.
Love,
The People at Wii Sports
PS. We just looked at the picture of your sister. You do realize that Wii Sports does not help with height right? Just thought we'd clarify that to avoid a future letter....
We regret to tell you that we are not able to refund your money for "Wii Sports". Yes, we realize that you have tried it "quite a few times" throughout the 1 year period you've had it... but there is no guarantee on the box that says it is guaranteed to make you look like your sister. Especially after only a few scattered times of playing it. And no, we don't care what the sales lady at the store told you.
If you would like to look like your sister, maybe you should try getting a daily exercise routine instead of bi-monthly. You're much more likely to see results then. Good luck to you on your weight loss journey.
Love,
The People at Wii Sports
PS. We just looked at the picture of your sister. You do realize that Wii Sports does not help with height right? Just thought we'd clarify that to avoid a future letter....
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Calorie Holidays
Dear Brittany,
This letter is to inform you that your request to have your calories take the following holidays off was officially denied:
Thanksgiving
Your Birthday
Earth Day
Super Bowl Sunday
Flag Day
Fourth of July
Easter
Valentine's Day
Your children's birthdays
Leap Year
New Year's
Halloween
Canada Day
Kwanzaa
Columbus Day
Martin Luther King Day
Election Years
And last but not least....
The entire Holiday season starting Nov. 1st and extending till Jan. 2nd.
We apologize for any inconvenience but we are not at the time able to "rest" or "take a holiday".
Love,
Your calories
PS. Just to make sure there's no confusion, we are not at this time able to raise the allowed daily amount for calorie intake. It is still 2,000. And that's all day. Not per burrito.
This letter is to inform you that your request to have your calories take the following holidays off was officially denied:
Thanksgiving
Your Birthday
Earth Day
Super Bowl Sunday
Flag Day
Fourth of July
Easter
Valentine's Day
Your children's birthdays
Leap Year
New Year's
Halloween
Canada Day
Kwanzaa
Columbus Day
Martin Luther King Day
Election Years
And last but not least....
The entire Holiday season starting Nov. 1st and extending till Jan. 2nd.
We apologize for any inconvenience but we are not at the time able to "rest" or "take a holiday".
Love,
Your calories
PS. Just to make sure there's no confusion, we are not at this time able to raise the allowed daily amount for calorie intake. It is still 2,000. And that's all day. Not per burrito.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Mirror Mirror On The Wall...
Dear Brittany,
I saw you sigh when you looked at me last night. I know for a fact you've cringed at me several times in the past week. Is this really fair? What did I ever do to you?
Just try to do me a favor, try not to suck in everytime you look at me. It hurts my feelings as if you don't accept me for who I am. Just remember, it's you who has to get off your butt and make me look good. I'm not the one eating 5 layer burritos. (Yes, I heard.) Maybe try picking up a celery stick? An apple?
Love,
Your reflection in the mirror
PS. That dance thing you do when you get out of the shower??! Yeah.... I saw that. So much more attractive when you were... "less rounded." Maybe you should put that off for a while. I don't want something to poke you in the eye. Too many things flapping all over the place.
I saw you sigh when you looked at me last night. I know for a fact you've cringed at me several times in the past week. Is this really fair? What did I ever do to you?
Just try to do me a favor, try not to suck in everytime you look at me. It hurts my feelings as if you don't accept me for who I am. Just remember, it's you who has to get off your butt and make me look good. I'm not the one eating 5 layer burritos. (Yes, I heard.) Maybe try picking up a celery stick? An apple?
Love,
Your reflection in the mirror
PS. That dance thing you do when you get out of the shower??! Yeah.... I saw that. So much more attractive when you were... "less rounded." Maybe you should put that off for a while. I don't want something to poke you in the eye. Too many things flapping all over the place.
Friday, January 8, 2010
5 Layer Burrito
Dear Taco Bell,
I'd like to inform you that your 5 layer burrito completely destroyed my New Years Resolution in the 3.7 minutes that it took me to inhale it. I was doing so good until your hugmongous sign with a gigantic burrito next to an enormous 89 cents caught my eye. Your sign promised it was good. And it was. That was where it all started. I'm still recovering.
I've been clean 24 hours now. I had a mandarin orange for breakfast. However, I am now having trouble focusing due to the images of 5 layer burritos dancing in my head. You should seriously inform the public of this drug that you have advertised all over your restaurants and my television.
Since your company and its' food is obviously not doing anything to support my New Years Resolution, I am forced to never set foot into another Taco Bell again. I regretfully inform you that you have just lost a very loyal customer.
Love,
Brittany
PS. Is there any way to have the 5 layer burritos shipped to my house? In a plain, unmarked box? Just so my husband doesn't know.
I'd like to inform you that your 5 layer burrito completely destroyed my New Years Resolution in the 3.7 minutes that it took me to inhale it. I was doing so good until your hugmongous sign with a gigantic burrito next to an enormous 89 cents caught my eye. Your sign promised it was good. And it was. That was where it all started. I'm still recovering.
I've been clean 24 hours now. I had a mandarin orange for breakfast. However, I am now having trouble focusing due to the images of 5 layer burritos dancing in my head. You should seriously inform the public of this drug that you have advertised all over your restaurants and my television.
Since your company and its' food is obviously not doing anything to support my New Years Resolution, I am forced to never set foot into another Taco Bell again. I regretfully inform you that you have just lost a very loyal customer.
Love,
Brittany
PS. Is there any way to have the 5 layer burritos shipped to my house? In a plain, unmarked box? Just so my husband doesn't know.
Flat stomach.... it's been a while.
Dear Flat Stomach,
I know you're in there... somewhere. This winter coat you seem to have covered yourself in is getting a little ridiculous. I know, I know... during winter months it's always nice to have the extra warmth, but the summer too? Come on.
I'd really appreciate it also, if you'd rid yourself of this hideous fashion you call "stretch marks". Whoever told you they were a good look for you lied.
Please try to understand where I'm coming from. I love you, I really do. I just wish there wasn't so much of you to love.
Love,
Brittany
PS Since you're in the area.. could you possibly send a message to my butt that it doesn't need to follow in the same fashion as you? Bigger is not better. And I guess it wouldn't hurt to forward that to my thighs either. Thank you.
I know you're in there... somewhere. This winter coat you seem to have covered yourself in is getting a little ridiculous. I know, I know... during winter months it's always nice to have the extra warmth, but the summer too? Come on.
I'd really appreciate it also, if you'd rid yourself of this hideous fashion you call "stretch marks". Whoever told you they were a good look for you lied.
Please try to understand where I'm coming from. I love you, I really do. I just wish there wasn't so much of you to love.
Love,
Brittany
PS Since you're in the area.. could you possibly send a message to my butt that it doesn't need to follow in the same fashion as you? Bigger is not better. And I guess it wouldn't hurt to forward that to my thighs either. Thank you.
Swimming Suit
Dear Brittany,
I realize you've been busy... but I'm still hiding out in the back of your closet. Is it possible to get an estimate on when exactly you decide to lose the baby fat and get your old body back? I know we had that brief encounter where you thought for 5 minutes that I might actually still fit. Most uncomfortable 5 minutes of my life....
Anyhoo, I'd really like to come out of hibernation sometime in the near future. If you could ask your baby weight to hurry along that would be great. It's been nearly 3 years now and I'd say I'm being completely reasonable.
Love,
Your old 2 piece swimming suit
PS... I know what you did last summer. And it obviously wasn't dieting.
I realize you've been busy... but I'm still hiding out in the back of your closet. Is it possible to get an estimate on when exactly you decide to lose the baby fat and get your old body back? I know we had that brief encounter where you thought for 5 minutes that I might actually still fit. Most uncomfortable 5 minutes of my life....
Anyhoo, I'd really like to come out of hibernation sometime in the near future. If you could ask your baby weight to hurry along that would be great. It's been nearly 3 years now and I'd say I'm being completely reasonable.
Love,
Your old 2 piece swimming suit
PS... I know what you did last summer. And it obviously wasn't dieting.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
100 Calorie Packs
Dear Brittany,
No matter what you tell yourself, 100 calorie packs are not okay to eat by the box. Even if they don't suppress your craving for a snack. If you eat all 6 packages you may as well have eaten the carton of Dreyers in the freezer. And your head lied... they really are 100 calories to a pack... not 100 calories in the entire box.
As for the matter of the packages being so hard to open that you burn 100 calories while opening them, therefore "cancelling" out your calories... well we're not sure. Check with your local personal trainer on that one.
Love,
The folks from the 100 calorie snack packs
PS. We realize you've always been bad at math. But 100 x 6 is 600. Not 100.
No matter what you tell yourself, 100 calorie packs are not okay to eat by the box. Even if they don't suppress your craving for a snack. If you eat all 6 packages you may as well have eaten the carton of Dreyers in the freezer. And your head lied... they really are 100 calories to a pack... not 100 calories in the entire box.
As for the matter of the packages being so hard to open that you burn 100 calories while opening them, therefore "cancelling" out your calories... well we're not sure. Check with your local personal trainer on that one.
Love,
The folks from the 100 calorie snack packs
PS. We realize you've always been bad at math. But 100 x 6 is 600. Not 100.
If Walls Could Talk...
Dear Brittany,
Did you really think that your size 5 pants would fit after 1.5 days of dieting? And where did you learn that hopping around would squeeze you into them? It was like trying to fit a cantaloupe into a soup can. Thanks for the laugh though. Better luck next time.
Love,
Your walls
PS. I'm sorry. We're still laughing. I don't care who you are, now that's just funny!
Did you really think that your size 5 pants would fit after 1.5 days of dieting? And where did you learn that hopping around would squeeze you into them? It was like trying to fit a cantaloupe into a soup can. Thanks for the laugh though. Better luck next time.
Love,
Your walls
PS. I'm sorry. We're still laughing. I don't care who you are, now that's just funny!
Breast Augmentation
Dear Brittany,
Sorry if we've seemed down lately. Just not feeling like our perky selves. Things just seem to have changed between us and we're definitely not as close as we used to be. It's not you, it's us. Sorry to be such a drag.
Love,
Your breasts
PS We're heading south for the winter.... or at least until breast augmentation.
Sorry if we've seemed down lately. Just not feeling like our perky selves. Things just seem to have changed between us and we're definitely not as close as we used to be. It's not you, it's us. Sorry to be such a drag.
Love,
Your breasts
PS We're heading south for the winter.... or at least until breast augmentation.
Waistline
Dear Waistline,
It's been a while since you've visited. I was just wondering if you could swing by sometime.. even if it's just for a quick visit. Of course if you wanted to linger I wouldn't mind.
Love,
Brittany
It's been a while since you've visited. I was just wondering if you could swing by sometime.. even if it's just for a quick visit. Of course if you wanted to linger I wouldn't mind.
Love,
Brittany
New Years Resolution Committee
Dear Brittany,
Just a friendly reminder from your New Years Resolution Committee, Taco Bell's 5 layer burrito is not helping your New Years Resolution at all. And yes, we know you're secretly thinking about inhaling another one.
Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee
PS. Your butt called. It wants its shape back.
Just a friendly reminder from your New Years Resolution Committee, Taco Bell's 5 layer burrito is not helping your New Years Resolution at all. And yes, we know you're secretly thinking about inhaling another one.
Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee
PS. Your butt called. It wants its shape back.
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