Stairs

Dear Stairs,

I hate you. I really, really do. You more than anyone make me feel fat every single time I go up you. I pant like I just ran a marathon while carrying only myself after reaching the top. How is that supposed to make me feel? 6 weeks of dieting and I still can't run up you without having a blackout and reaching for an inhaler.

I get so discouraged with you that I'm actually getting lazier. I tell my kids in the afternoon to grab everything they think they'll need from upstairs, because who knows when Mom is going to have the energy to get back up them.

Once I was even tempted to tie sheets together and let my kids slide down into the living room to get that sippy cup that they left on the couch.

Start getting easier for me to climb or I'm intalling an elevator.

Love,
Brittany

PS. The only thing you're good for is stashing my laundry. Such a one trick pony.

Wall Flower

Dear Brittany,

You always thought being a wall flower at the dances was a negative thing.

Of course that was when you were skinny.

Now that you're fat you've learned the advantages.... All the chunky people know the refreshment table is no where near the center of the dance floor.

The refreshment table is a wall flower. The secret's out.

Welcome my friend. Welcome.

Love,
The Wall


PS. Don't let the poor souls who were whole heartedly doing the Boot Scootin' Boogie know about this. We don't want them to know what they missed out on... Cookie trays the size of Mt. Rushmore. Sad day for them... good day for you.

Toasty Bones

Dear Brittany,

Right now you should be thanking your lucky stars that I was there to warm your bones during the hour you stood in the freezing cold last night.

Did you see your skinny friend standing there shivering like a maniac? She was cold to the bone. But your bones.. well they were nice and toasty thanks to my incredible insulation job. Talk about energy efficient!

From now on quit complaining about how much I affect your outside and take notice of the good things I do to your inside. You could stand in a blizzard for hours and be as snug as a bug. Your poor friend would've been taken over by frost bite from the inside out.

Give her my card. Tell her I'm running a special. I'll give her 20 pounds of fat for 20 doughnuts.

Love,
Your Body Fat

PS. Even though you thought you were literally freezing your butt off... no worries. It's still there. I held on like super glue to that baby. Faithfully yours as always!

Cold Calories

Dear Brittany,



URGENT:



PUT DOWN THE TWINKIE AND READ THIS LETTER.





You have been severely misinformed. Just because you cannot taste when you have a cold it does not mean it is "free" calories.



Please think of your thighs when we say this.
Step out of the kitchen.
We will need to check your pockets.
Put down the ice cream carton and stick your hands up.
Then please, no sudden movements.
You've eaten enough that we're sure you could blow any minute.



Now go lie down. We need to deliberate on the best way to burn off the 4,843 excess calories you consumed tonight. Your treadmill and elliptical have already called in sick.

Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee

PS. Yes, we'll need to check your cleavage too. You've been known to hide things in there.

Bandwagon

Dear Zumba Class,

Seems like everyone is doing zumba class these days. My friends, my neighbors, the lady at the post office, my hair dressers sisters' aunts' cousin. Pretty sure even my accountants' dog is enrolled in zumba for doggies. Me being the natural born follower that I am wanted to jump on the bandwagon real bad. Really, really bad.

But I am too fat to jump that high. So I missed and landed on my butt. Who knew it was possible to fall off the bandwagon before you even got on it? Well, now you know. It is. I proved it.

Love,
Brittany

PS. What are the odds of getting a "lift" to the bandwagon? I like being lifted so much better than jumping.

Spa Cakes

Dear Brittany,

We thank you for visiting our spa today. We love having return customers and hope that you always feel welcome at our spa.

There is an issue that needs to be addressed though. The complimentary cupcakes that we have sitting out are for ALL of our guests. The sign that says, "Help yourself" should imply that you take one. Not all of them.

Unfortunately we are going to have to bill you for 12 of the 13 cupcakes that you ate at the spa. Only 1 of them was complimentary. Please submit your payment of $25.93 as soon as possible. We take cash, check or money order.

Love,
Your local Spa


PS. We have to admit that we are quite impressed with how fast you ate those 13 cupcakes though. Never seen any human being blow through a bakers dozen that quick. Congrats!

Finger Fat

Dear Fingers,

You have completely betrayed me. I thought we were friends. Guess I thought wrong.

For five years I've watched my body go down hill. My stomach started sagging, my breasts quit being perky, my thighs belong on a water buffalo and my butt could be used as a serving tray. But you... you held out. For five years you stayed thin, beautiful and fat-less.

Until now. Suddenly you jump on the bandwagon and get fat. Why?

My wedding ring now feels like a tourniquet. I finally got it off after a bottle of baby lotion and a whole lot of grunting and moaning. I now have a permanant indention in my ring finger. Is this really necessary?

Love,
Brittany

PS.. Thanks a lot fat lovers. You'll see it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Carrot Cake

Dear New Years Resolution Committee,

Carrot Cake. What a cruel joke. You say eat lots of veggies and I being the good dieter that I am nearly peed myself after dinner when I heard there was carrot cake for dessert. I loaded up. Made sure I got my 3 servings for the day in. I have never in my life enjoyed vegetables so much.

Imagine the heartbreak I felt when I heard that each piece had 425 calories in it. Times that by 3 for my daily servings. Carrot Cake. What a rip. From now on I'm asking that it be called "Just the same as any other cake but has shredded vegetables in it cake."

I'm so upset about this that I'm boycotting carrots. At least until they can apologize.


Love,
Brittany

PS. The carrot cake is still haunting me. I can hear it calling from my thighs. It's made quite the cozy home in my cellulite.

Van Floors

Dear Brittany,

Apparently you didn't get the memo, so we're sending this now. Floors are dirty. Van floors are really dirty. This means anything on a van floor is super dirty.

This being the case, we would like you to explain to us why the single Pez candy underneath the seats on your van floor looked so appetizing to you? This is sick.

Although we applaud you on refraining from actually eating the candy, we are slightly concerned with how much you thought about eating it.

Oh yes, we heard your thoughts. "If I wipe off those 3 hairs stuck to it it'll be just fine." "So what if there's some extra surprises with the candy... germs are good for you. Builds up your immune system." We know you thought about that candy the whole ride in and back. And in bed last night at 1 Am.

For your safety we would recommend having your husband go out to the van and disposing of that Pez as soon as possible. We're not sure if you can survive this kind of temptation 2 days in a row.

Love,
Your Dirty Van Floors

PS. Maybe you should just stop dieting. Your level of hunger is slightly distubring.

Dressing Room

Dear Brittany,

We still have not been able to locate your waist. We looked in the dressing rooms and it was no where to be found. Maybe you left it at home? Or back in 2005? Have you looked there? Are you positively sure you came into the dressing rooms with a waistline?

Unfortunately they're in such high demand these days that if you did leave it in one of our dressing rooms it was most likely snatched up real quick.

We did check the pockets of those double digit sized jeans you tried on. And quite frankly, if you did come in with a waistline... why were you trying those jeans on in the 1st place? That's why we would suggest looking elsewhere.

Happy Hunting!

Love,
Your local clothing store

PS. Try checking Jenny Craig. We hear they're good at finding lost waistlines.

Gynecologist

Dear Brittany,

We are sorry if you feel that we are the cause of your weight gain. However, we can assure you that we are most definitely not.

Just because you had never seen a gynecologist in your life and started gaining weight after your first visit with us, we are not to blame. We can confidently say that weight gain is NOT a side effect of going to the gynecologist. It is a side effect of pregnancy... late night snacking... Taco Bell.... and lack of exercise.

Please promptly remove your "Say no to Gyno" and "Gyno's make you fat" fan clubs from Facebook.

Love,
Your Gynecologist

Gelato

Dear Skinny People,

For those of you who say, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"... have obviously never tasted Dolce Villa's white chocolate gelato. Cuz believe me, that is purely impossible.

Of course it's been 4 years since I've been able to know how skinny "feels". This leading me to the conclusion that my opinion is biased. To make sure that I have a truely unbiased opinion I would like to "try" being skinny again for one day. Just test it out. Refresh my memory.

I'll be waiting for my Heidi Klum body in the mail.

Love,
Brittany

PS. Please include return postage. Unless of course I can be Heidi Klum AND eat gelato?

Back rolls

Dear Brittany,

You've alway complained about us and yet we saved your life. Some thanks....

Think of the damage that would've been done to your ribs and spine if you had the back of Kate Moss. You would be in a body cast if it wasn't for the extra padding that we provide.

As you glided down the snow covered steps we made sure to absorb most of the impact from your gracious fall. We're like insurance for your back. We protect your precious things.

So the next time you see us hanging out over the back of your bra, don't sigh. Thank us. Call us heros if you must. It's what we do.

Love,
Your back rolls

PS. Think of the advantage that having breasts the size of yours on your back would do! We're talking to them about relocating. You could fall on a cement block and those babies would hold strong.

Breath-wich

Dear New Years Resolution Committee,

I am getting desperately hungry. We are on day 35 of my New Years Diet and I think I'm beginning to hallucinate. Today my daughter Kambrie had a red mark on her arm and I licked it thinking it was some left over gelato. Turns out it was just Magic Marker. My mistake.

Also, my mother is not speaking to me because I smelled her breath today after she ate a 5 Layer Burrito. I say it's her fault for bringing those tortilla rolled drops of heaven around me. I have to admit it was good too. All the flavor and none of the calories. She drew the line at burping in my face.

Do you have any suggestions to help me over come my starvation? I'm pretty sure I can see my ribs. Well, underneath the layer of fat. But they're there... trust me.

Love,
Brittany

PS. Sorry this is so short, I have to go. I see a small cluster of things in the corner that look like they could possibly be a dropped cookie or two.

Top Heavy

Dear People Who Design the Bra Sections,

My question to you today is quite simple. Why would anyone in their right mind put the DD bras on the very bottom rack?

Do you know what it's like to bend over when you're already top heavy? Most of the time I find myself bending all the way down there just to find that they don't even have my size. I have to exhort an extreme amount of effort to stand back up straight.

When I finally do find my size, I can't get off the floor. And the whole reason I'm in the bra section is to get things up off the floor.. if ya know what I mean.

Here's my suggestion... leave the bending to the A cup gymnasts. What's a little bending to them? They don't have gravity going against them, not much to keep them down.

Let us Double D's have a break. No one likes to feel like a Weeble Wobble. Gravity is not our friend.... so we're asking you to be.


Love,
Brittany and the rest of the top heavy Girls

DMV

Dear Brittany,

This letter is to inform you that you must immediately return to the DMV to have your picture retaken. It appears you wrote "110 pounds" for your weight and we've somehow mixed up your application with this fat girls picture.

We apologize profusely for the confusion.

Love,

The DMV

February Check In

Dear Brittany,

Here is a list of your revised goals for the month of January:
* Exercise everyday
*Scratch that... exercise once a week
*Scratch that... exercise once during the month of January. COMPLETE!

*Lose 2.5 pounds a week
*Scratch that... lose 5 pounds by the end of January...
*Scratch that.... lose 1 pound by the end of January. COMPLETE!


*Eat Healthy
*Scratch that... eat healthy at dinner.
*Scratch that.... eat healthy on the weekends
*Scratch that.... eat 5 layer burritos until you explode. COMPLETE!



As you can see you're doing well at..... revising your goals. Maybe you should try making a goal of NOT revising any goals in February. Just stick to the original plan. That can't be that hard, right?

Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee

PS. Your breasts have made a goal for February to be able to touch your belly button by themselves. We would advise you to do everything in your power to hinder their plans.