Neighbors

Dear Neighbor Lady with the perfect hair,


And perfect nails.. perfect waistline... perfect kids...

I am writing this letter of apology for what you saw today. I was caught completely off guard when you rang my doorbell at 10 am this morning. I answered it thinking it was UPS. I didn't know people delivered cookies before 4 pm. With their hair done. And all of their clothes on.

I'm totally always usually partially dressed by noon at least. Of course that means most body parts are covered.. doesn't mean they're all "Saddled up". I saw you looking at my knees alot. At least I thought you were looking at my knees. Until I realized I didn't have a bra on. And that must mean you were staring at my "unsaddled" breasts. EMBARASSING.

Your cookies were incredibly good. I tried making you a pan of "thank you" brownies. I was so proud of myself because I only dropped half the batter on the floor once. Kambrie did dip her entire hand in the batter, but it was after we washed her hands. So I figured we were good... I was on the path to success.

After the brownies were out of the oven is when things went down hill. Kynzee threw the ball for our dog, which scared the cat so bad she jumped on the counter. I then had a 20 pound cat sitting in the pan of brownies. I tried really hard to brush off the hair and hide the body imprint, but it didn't work. So no brownies for you.

I hate to be harsh and sound ungrateful, but if you're going to just "swing" by again, please try to make it afternoon and not the butt crack of dawn. No one likes to see a butt crack. And I most certainly did not like opening the door and seeing the sun barely risen over the East mountains. Get some dark curtains or something.

I promise that if you visit later in the day there's a 50/50 chance I'll have a bra on AND be dressed completely. I probably will have already picked up the mess in the front room too so I won't have to shove you outside and close the door. And no, there wasn't anything going on inside as you so kindly asked... I just couldn't imagine you standing in the middle of my living room with a bra on in that kind of mess. Those messes are reserved for braless people. It just wouldn't be right.

So nice to meet you my Stepford Neighbor. I have a feeling we're going to be great friends.

Love,
Brittany


PS. I would totally join your Bunco Ladies Club... but that's my weekly "stuff my face with Dorito's while watching American Idol" night. Dang. Next time.

Motherhood

Dear Brittany,


Remember when you said your kids would never have undone hair? Or wear mismatched clothes? You also said you'd never feed them icecream before noon, or think that cheese is an acceptable meal.

I also specifically remember the day you told yourself that you'd never be one of those wives who got dressed at 4 pm and both of your legs would be shaved at all times.

Do you recall also telling your friend that there was no way in heck that you'd ever have a kid who acted as horrible as your neighbors kid? And if they ever acted up you'd take care of it immediately rather than offering them a cookie.. or candy.. or anything to shut them up??


Bad news Brittany......

You're that Mom. The one you never wanted to be.

Congrats, it's only taken 4 years for you to realize this. Some people never do.

So on behalf of all of us.... "Welcome to Motherhood". It ain't all it's cracked up to be.


Love Always,
Motherhood

Skinny Cow

Dear Skinny Cow Icecream,


I am really curious as to just how you got away with calling your ice cream "skinny" cow.



You see, I tried that once. I decided it was mind over matter. If I thought I was skinny, well then I would be skinny. So I always called myself skinny. I told my friends I was skinny. I posted it on my Facebook. But all I got were comments like, "Oh... ummmm.... cough.... sorry something in my throat." And people responded to my Facebook status like this... "............................ Sure you are Brittany.. and you have the sweetest spirit."



Your icecreams are not skinny. They are no where near thin. They're full and round and curvy.. just like me. Yet they get to be called skinny.




However, now that I think about it... they are skinny compared to a cow. Way to look at the glass half full Skinny Cow Makers!



From now on I want to be called "Brittany Skinny Cow". I want my glass to be half full too. Ahhh life just gets sweeter everyday day, doesn't it?

Love,

Brittany

Garbage Disposal

Dear Husband and Children:


Please take notice.

This is my resignation as the family garbage disposal.
I will no longer be eating your "left overs".
Do not offer me the "last few bites" of your desserts that you just can't finish.
Please refrain from sliding your plate towards me at restaurants to see if I want to try it.
And last but not least, children.... please do not throw food at me or on the floor and please avoid leaving bits of food stuck to your face. Especially if it is a dessert. You know I can't help myself when I'm really, really hungry.

Love,
Brittany
(Mom and wife)


PS. I almost ate a bean out of the bottom of the dishwasher today. Pre-washing. I snapped out of it by running my head under water for 30 seconds. I've got this diet thing down. It's no biggie. Really.

Brownie Coma

Dear Brittany (Mom),

We would like to applaud you for being a good mom and making brownies with your children. Brownies are good... but you're not that tempted by them because you don't like chocolate. Or so you say......

If you really don't like chocolate then why did you go into panic mode when you snuck into the kitchen to have a "tiny" bite and the brownies were gone? We saw you glance frantically all over the kitchen. We saw you look in the oven and go through the cupboards. Next came the "Oh no" state. Where you wonder if you had a food coma and ate them all without even knowing it. We watched you try to smell your own breath to see if there was any hint of chocolate.

We know how hard you've been trying to lose weight. And we're 100% supportive. That's why we ate the entire pan for you before you could even get a nibble.

You looked so pleased when you found the eaten pan of brownies hiding in our Princess chair. What sweet girls you have.

Love,
Your children

PS. How could you even think of eating an entire pan of these by yourself? We're going to need a clean up in aisle 4. Which is Kynzee's bed. On the sheets you just washed. Love you Mom!

Father Doesn't Know Best..

Dear Dad,

As a child you pounded into my head over and over that if I could believe something, then I could achieve it. You yelled it at me from the stands when I was cheerleading, wrote it to me in birthday cards, and whispered it to me when I was upset because I thought I'd never be tall enough to be a model.

I'm writing this to tell you thanks for making me believe that I could achieve anything I set my mind to as a kid. However, you were wrong.

Yesterday I found the most amazing pair of pants on clearance while shopping. They were not my size though. So I closed my eyes and believed that they'd fit with all my heart. I was 100% sure that they'd slide right on when I went to the dressing room. I did everything you said to do, I dreamed it, I visualized it, I could practically even taste it. And that's only cuz the button looked like a Life Saver... so I licked it.. but anyways...

It did not work. Not even close. Unless my waist moved to my calves, they did not come even remotely close to my waist.

Sorry Dad, but you were wrong.

Love,
Brittany

PS. What else were you wrong about?! Maybe I'm not really a princess after all.... and what about when you told me that my freckles were angel kisses...... did you lie about that too??!!

Cooking Class

Dear Brittany,

We are sorry to inform you that you are no longer invited to participate in our cooking classes.
It is not proper etiquette to eat all of the eclaires that were prepared for everyone.... even if your piece was "too small for an ant to find" as you so kindly screamed out. And a little FYI... you cannot lick the bowls in cooking class either. Once again, bad etiquette.

We also would like to point out that it is not smart to go on a 10 day crash diet before cooking classes. It was like a shark in a pool of blood when you were surrounded by all those desserts. So while we can understand, we simply cannot allow you to return for the safety of our other cooking students.

Love,
The Head Chef at your cooking classes

PS. We are fully aware that the man in the over sized coat with a beard and a hump back that is lurking outside our classes is you. Please stop, it's frightening our students.

Energy Eater

Dear Brittany,

If you're looking for your energy.. your butt ate it.

Good luck getting it to give it up. Your butt really likes bouncing around all day. Or at least so I've been told by your muffin top. Who heard it from your breasts.

Love,
Your thighs


PS. We could put a hit man out on your butt. I've heard he's good at "getting rid" of big problems. His name is Mr. Tread E. Mill. Give him a call.

Allergist

Dear Brittany,

We apologize but we are unable to "give" you an allergy. It is simply not possible to make you allergic to fat. Even if this would solve all your problems.

Love,
Your local Allergist

PS. Try exercising. We hear it makes fat run for the hills. So I guess you could consider losing fat an allergic reaction to exercising.