Safety Concerns

Dear Brittany,


I am writing this letter to let you know that I will no longer be dining with you while you are on this diet.

I am so sad to cancel our weekly Ladies Pie Night.. but I have some concerns for my safety after last night.

I cringed every time you shoved a piece of fruit into your mouth and glared at my hot plate of cheese fries.

I am sorry, but I'm not the one who ordered a bowl of fruit at Free Pie Night. It was rude of you to take out your hunger on me. I nearly stopped being friends with you when you attempted to lick the ranch dressing off my arm that I had dribbled. That's what napkins are for Brittany.

Right after we ate I shoved a piece of gum in my mouth so fast just to throw you off my scent trail. I figured if you couldn't smell the cheese fries on my breath it would be safer for us all. You had a crazed look in your eyes. Forgive me.

So until you're off this diet let's try doing non eating activities. It's for the best.

Love,
Your Non-dieting Friend


PS. I also think it's best if you stay at least 3 ft from me at all times. I'm worried you're going to think my Cotton Candy body spray is more than just a spray...

Mom Jeans

Dear Brittany,

We hear your old jeans aren't working for you anymore. We also heard that skinny jeans didn't make the cut. So here we are... ready to apply for the job of being your jeans.

Just think of all the good times we could have while I flatten your rear end, give you camel toe and caress your ankles.

You'd be curling your bangs and wearing decorated holiday vests in no time. Bet you would barely remember that all of that is not cool.

We didn't plan on coming around until your mid thirties. But you're the one who popped out two kids and porked out in your early twenties. Don't blame us. You did this to yourself.

When you're ready for us just come pick us up. We're in your Mom's closet. Right next to her BUM sweatshirts and basket of scrunchies.

Love,
Mom Jeans

PS. It's been told that Mom jeans give you super powers. Tempted Yet?

Chunky Back

Dear Brittany,

Thank you for your nice comments about my song "Sexy Back". I am so glad you liked it.


At this time I am not able to record your song "Chunky Back".


I did bring sexy back but I feel that bringing chunky back is a bit out of my league. Would it be easier to bring chunky back if I had a "chunky" back myself? Well.. I don't know. I'll have to ask Joey. He was the fat one of our group.

If I ever do decide to take that route, you'll be the 1st person I call to star as the chunky model in my music video.



Love,
Justin Timberlake





** Please note.. portions of this letter may or may not have been written by Justin Timberlake. No members of N*Sync were harmed in the writing of this letter.

celeBRAtion

Dear Brittany,

We appreciate the fact that you were excited. It's always an amazing thing when you start seeing your hard work pay off.


But please... Please... PLEASE... never ever celebrate without your bra on again. It gets way too confusing when there's so many things bouncing towards us. We had no time to defend ourselves.


So try to remember, the next time you go to celebrate.... think cele"BRA"te. We'd be ever so grateful.


Love,
Your Two Black Eyes

Self Esteem Beating

Dear Self Esteem,

I am sorry that you took such a beating tonight. I've always been competitive, but sometimes I just need to learn to let it go.

When my perfect co-worker told me she belonged to a hiking club I simply pointed out that I belong to an eating club.

Then she mentioned her Book Club and I had no choice but to mention my America's Next Top Model Marathon Club.

Of course she couldn't stop there so she pulled the, "I belong to the Giving Blankets and Food to Starving Babies in Africa Club" card. I thought of slapping my own card down with, "Food for Fatties Club" where I eat only brownies for an entire meal..... but who am I kidding?

I can't win. Stupid clubs.

Love,
Brittany

PS. Since you've been knocked down and you're in the region.. could you ask my cankles if they're coming to dinner?

Mission Aborted

URGENT:

Dear Brittany,

This just in: Husband is onto "I have a headache mission."

Immediately abort and proceed to "My leg hurts mission."

The source of information is rumored to be your husbands rolling eyes.


Love,
Your Nighttime Excuse Committee


PS. Please remove "I have a headache" jammies from the premises. They are set to self destruct in 3.6 minutes.

Shame Shame

Dear Brittany,


It is not fair to hide the Easter Eggs so well that your children can't find them. Oh yes, I'm on to you. Hiding the eggs so well that they'll never be found just so you have an "emergency" stash for your hard diet days is terrible. Shame.


Love, The Easter Bunny


PS. I know you put all the Tootsie rolls in your kids eggs and all the good candy in your "secret stash" eggs. Double shame.