Dear Chiropractor,
I regret to inform you that I am firing you. I have decided that you really are a quack doctor and have no idea what you're talking about.
You told me today that my ab muscles were weak and that I need to strengthen them to hold my spine in place better.
Well, the joke is on you buddy. Little do you know.. I do ab work outs ALL day. It's called sucking in. Do you know what it's like to suck in 24 hours a day? It's not easy work. Those ab muscles are constantly being pushed to their limits.
I'm sucking in right now as I type this letter and trust me... I'm feeling the burn.
Love,
Brittany
Showing posts with label Business Woes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Business Woes. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Hunger-Mones
Dear Local "Romance" store,
The pheromone sheet spray you sold me is seriously defective. Much to my husbands dismay, it has given me an appetite.... but not for the right thing.
I mean sure.... it puts me in the mood..... for a "cheeseburger". And there lies the problem.
Your "pheromone" sheet spray is full of hungermones. You should look into that.
It's causing major turmoil in my marriage. My husband was a very happy camper when he woke up to me licking his cheek. That was quickly crushed when he realized I was just trying to lick some of the chocolate milk shake off that I had accidently dribbled onto him. Imagine how surprised he was... he didn't even know I was up eating that milkshake at 2 am. It was like being caught red handed with a mistress.
Hungermones. You're ruining my life. I will be returning this sheet spray and I want a full refund.
Love,
Brittany
PS. Would it be so wrong if I secretly kept it in my purse and sniffed it before I went into the buffets? I mean come on! They charge $10 for those things... I want to get my moneys worth..... No?.... Ok fine.
The pheromone sheet spray you sold me is seriously defective. Much to my husbands dismay, it has given me an appetite.... but not for the right thing.
I mean sure.... it puts me in the mood..... for a "cheeseburger". And there lies the problem.
Your "pheromone" sheet spray is full of hungermones. You should look into that.
It's causing major turmoil in my marriage. My husband was a very happy camper when he woke up to me licking his cheek. That was quickly crushed when he realized I was just trying to lick some of the chocolate milk shake off that I had accidently dribbled onto him. Imagine how surprised he was... he didn't even know I was up eating that milkshake at 2 am. It was like being caught red handed with a mistress.
Hungermones. You're ruining my life. I will be returning this sheet spray and I want a full refund.
Love,
Brittany
PS. Would it be so wrong if I secretly kept it in my purse and sniffed it before I went into the buffets? I mean come on! They charge $10 for those things... I want to get my moneys worth..... No?.... Ok fine.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Skinny Cow
Dear Skinny Cow Icecream,
I am really curious as to just how you got away with calling your ice cream "skinny" cow.
You see, I tried that once. I decided it was mind over matter. If I thought I was skinny, well then I would be skinny. So I always called myself skinny. I told my friends I was skinny. I posted it on my Facebook. But all I got were comments like, "Oh... ummmm.... cough.... sorry something in my throat." And people responded to my Facebook status like this... "............................ Sure you are Brittany.. and you have the sweetest spirit."
Your icecreams are not skinny. They are no where near thin. They're full and round and curvy.. just like me. Yet they get to be called skinny.
However, now that I think about it... they are skinny compared to a cow. Way to look at the glass half full Skinny Cow Makers!
From now on I want to be called "Brittany Skinny Cow". I want my glass to be half full too. Ahhh life just gets sweeter everyday day, doesn't it?
I am really curious as to just how you got away with calling your ice cream "skinny" cow.
You see, I tried that once. I decided it was mind over matter. If I thought I was skinny, well then I would be skinny. So I always called myself skinny. I told my friends I was skinny. I posted it on my Facebook. But all I got were comments like, "Oh... ummmm.... cough.... sorry something in my throat." And people responded to my Facebook status like this... "............................ Sure you are Brittany.. and you have the sweetest spirit."
Your icecreams are not skinny. They are no where near thin. They're full and round and curvy.. just like me. Yet they get to be called skinny.
However, now that I think about it... they are skinny compared to a cow. Way to look at the glass half full Skinny Cow Makers!
From now on I want to be called "Brittany Skinny Cow". I want my glass to be half full too. Ahhh life just gets sweeter everyday day, doesn't it?
Love,
Brittany
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Cooking Class
Dear Brittany,
We are sorry to inform you that you are no longer invited to participate in our cooking classes.
It is not proper etiquette to eat all of the eclaires that were prepared for everyone.... even if your piece was "too small for an ant to find" as you so kindly screamed out. And a little FYI... you cannot lick the bowls in cooking class either. Once again, bad etiquette.
We also would like to point out that it is not smart to go on a 10 day crash diet before cooking classes. It was like a shark in a pool of blood when you were surrounded by all those desserts. So while we can understand, we simply cannot allow you to return for the safety of our other cooking students.
Love,
The Head Chef at your cooking classes
PS. We are fully aware that the man in the over sized coat with a beard and a hump back that is lurking outside our classes is you. Please stop, it's frightening our students.
We are sorry to inform you that you are no longer invited to participate in our cooking classes.
It is not proper etiquette to eat all of the eclaires that were prepared for everyone.... even if your piece was "too small for an ant to find" as you so kindly screamed out. And a little FYI... you cannot lick the bowls in cooking class either. Once again, bad etiquette.
We also would like to point out that it is not smart to go on a 10 day crash diet before cooking classes. It was like a shark in a pool of blood when you were surrounded by all those desserts. So while we can understand, we simply cannot allow you to return for the safety of our other cooking students.
Love,
The Head Chef at your cooking classes
PS. We are fully aware that the man in the over sized coat with a beard and a hump back that is lurking outside our classes is you. Please stop, it's frightening our students.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Bandwagon
Dear Zumba Class,
Seems like everyone is doing zumba class these days. My friends, my neighbors, the lady at the post office, my hair dressers sisters' aunts' cousin. Pretty sure even my accountants' dog is enrolled in zumba for doggies. Me being the natural born follower that I am wanted to jump on the bandwagon real bad. Really, really bad.
But I am too fat to jump that high. So I missed and landed on my butt. Who knew it was possible to fall off the bandwagon before you even got on it? Well, now you know. It is. I proved it.
Love,
Brittany
PS. What are the odds of getting a "lift" to the bandwagon? I like being lifted so much better than jumping.
Seems like everyone is doing zumba class these days. My friends, my neighbors, the lady at the post office, my hair dressers sisters' aunts' cousin. Pretty sure even my accountants' dog is enrolled in zumba for doggies. Me being the natural born follower that I am wanted to jump on the bandwagon real bad. Really, really bad.
But I am too fat to jump that high. So I missed and landed on my butt. Who knew it was possible to fall off the bandwagon before you even got on it? Well, now you know. It is. I proved it.
Love,
Brittany
PS. What are the odds of getting a "lift" to the bandwagon? I like being lifted so much better than jumping.
Spa Cakes
Dear Brittany,
We thank you for visiting our spa today. We love having return customers and hope that you always feel welcome at our spa.
There is an issue that needs to be addressed though. The complimentary cupcakes that we have sitting out are for ALL of our guests. The sign that says, "Help yourself" should imply that you take one. Not all of them.
Unfortunately we are going to have to bill you for 12 of the 13 cupcakes that you ate at the spa. Only 1 of them was complimentary. Please submit your payment of $25.93 as soon as possible. We take cash, check or money order.
Love,
Your local Spa
PS. We have to admit that we are quite impressed with how fast you ate those 13 cupcakes though. Never seen any human being blow through a bakers dozen that quick. Congrats!
We thank you for visiting our spa today. We love having return customers and hope that you always feel welcome at our spa.
There is an issue that needs to be addressed though. The complimentary cupcakes that we have sitting out are for ALL of our guests. The sign that says, "Help yourself" should imply that you take one. Not all of them.
Unfortunately we are going to have to bill you for 12 of the 13 cupcakes that you ate at the spa. Only 1 of them was complimentary. Please submit your payment of $25.93 as soon as possible. We take cash, check or money order.
Love,
Your local Spa
PS. We have to admit that we are quite impressed with how fast you ate those 13 cupcakes though. Never seen any human being blow through a bakers dozen that quick. Congrats!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Dressing Room
Dear Brittany,
We still have not been able to locate your waist. We looked in the dressing rooms and it was no where to be found. Maybe you left it at home? Or back in 2005? Have you looked there? Are you positively sure you came into the dressing rooms with a waistline?
Unfortunately they're in such high demand these days that if you did leave it in one of our dressing rooms it was most likely snatched up real quick.
We did check the pockets of those double digit sized jeans you tried on. And quite frankly, if you did come in with a waistline... why were you trying those jeans on in the 1st place? That's why we would suggest looking elsewhere.
Happy Hunting!
Love,
Your local clothing store
PS. Try checking Jenny Craig. We hear they're good at finding lost waistlines.
We still have not been able to locate your waist. We looked in the dressing rooms and it was no where to be found. Maybe you left it at home? Or back in 2005? Have you looked there? Are you positively sure you came into the dressing rooms with a waistline?
Unfortunately they're in such high demand these days that if you did leave it in one of our dressing rooms it was most likely snatched up real quick.
We did check the pockets of those double digit sized jeans you tried on. And quite frankly, if you did come in with a waistline... why were you trying those jeans on in the 1st place? That's why we would suggest looking elsewhere.
Happy Hunting!
Love,
Your local clothing store
PS. Try checking Jenny Craig. We hear they're good at finding lost waistlines.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Gynecologist
Dear Brittany,
We are sorry if you feel that we are the cause of your weight gain. However, we can assure you that we are most definitely not.
Just because you had never seen a gynecologist in your life and started gaining weight after your first visit with us, we are not to blame. We can confidently say that weight gain is NOT a side effect of going to the gynecologist. It is a side effect of pregnancy... late night snacking... Taco Bell.... and lack of exercise.
Please promptly remove your "Say no to Gyno" and "Gyno's make you fat" fan clubs from Facebook.
Love,
Your Gynecologist
We are sorry if you feel that we are the cause of your weight gain. However, we can assure you that we are most definitely not.
Just because you had never seen a gynecologist in your life and started gaining weight after your first visit with us, we are not to blame. We can confidently say that weight gain is NOT a side effect of going to the gynecologist. It is a side effect of pregnancy... late night snacking... Taco Bell.... and lack of exercise.
Please promptly remove your "Say no to Gyno" and "Gyno's make you fat" fan clubs from Facebook.
Love,
Your Gynecologist
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Top Heavy
Dear People Who Design the Bra Sections,
My question to you today is quite simple. Why would anyone in their right mind put the DD bras on the very bottom rack?
Do you know what it's like to bend over when you're already top heavy? Most of the time I find myself bending all the way down there just to find that they don't even have my size. I have to exhort an extreme amount of effort to stand back up straight.
When I finally do find my size, I can't get off the floor. And the whole reason I'm in the bra section is to get things up off the floor.. if ya know what I mean.
Here's my suggestion... leave the bending to the A cup gymnasts. What's a little bending to them? They don't have gravity going against them, not much to keep them down.
Let us Double D's have a break. No one likes to feel like a Weeble Wobble. Gravity is not our friend.... so we're asking you to be.
Love,
Brittany and the rest of the top heavy Girls
My question to you today is quite simple. Why would anyone in their right mind put the DD bras on the very bottom rack?
Do you know what it's like to bend over when you're already top heavy? Most of the time I find myself bending all the way down there just to find that they don't even have my size. I have to exhort an extreme amount of effort to stand back up straight.
When I finally do find my size, I can't get off the floor. And the whole reason I'm in the bra section is to get things up off the floor.. if ya know what I mean.
Here's my suggestion... leave the bending to the A cup gymnasts. What's a little bending to them? They don't have gravity going against them, not much to keep them down.
Let us Double D's have a break. No one likes to feel like a Weeble Wobble. Gravity is not our friend.... so we're asking you to be.
Love,
Brittany and the rest of the top heavy Girls
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
DMV
Dear Brittany,
This letter is to inform you that you must immediately return to the DMV to have your picture retaken. It appears you wrote "110 pounds" for your weight and we've somehow mixed up your application with this fat girls picture.
We apologize profusely for the confusion.
Love,
The DMV
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Knee High Boots
Dear Maker of Knee High Boots,
I don't even know where to begin. I do not fit into the fashion world apparently. Is there a reason you can't seem to make boots that have a wider leg circumference than a licorice rope? Do you think people with "big boned" calves shouldn't be able to wear a decent pair of winter boots?
I'm going to paint you a picture... and it isn't a pretty one. My pants are too tight. I have a mid section muffin top. My bra is squeezing the life out of my northern parts. All I wanted was a good pair of winter boots so my feet didn't freeze. Simple enough right? I try on your boots. The cute ones that go half way up the calf and zip. Well what am I supposed to do when they won't zip? I'm already testing the limits by bending over in my way too tight pants. I can only struggle so much. After much tugging and "sucking" my calves in... (yes, it's possible) I get the zipper up half way. There. Success. I'll take it.
But wait... I have muffin tops........... on my CALVES. Yes. Your ridiculously skinny boots have given my legs muffin tops. I didn't even know this was possible and yet there I stood with inner tubes for knees. The skinny girl next to me with her perfectly zipped knee high boots was thinking, "Here, have a stick of butter to go with those muffins." Thank you very much fashion world.
Sadly my feet are still freezing in my wide flats. If you thought that chunky legs didn't get cold you were wrong. I'll be sending you the bill for my frost bite.
Love,
Brittany
PS. I'm still looking for my knees. I'm beginning to think they're hiding... somewhere up in my thighs.
I don't even know where to begin. I do not fit into the fashion world apparently. Is there a reason you can't seem to make boots that have a wider leg circumference than a licorice rope? Do you think people with "big boned" calves shouldn't be able to wear a decent pair of winter boots?
I'm going to paint you a picture... and it isn't a pretty one. My pants are too tight. I have a mid section muffin top. My bra is squeezing the life out of my northern parts. All I wanted was a good pair of winter boots so my feet didn't freeze. Simple enough right? I try on your boots. The cute ones that go half way up the calf and zip. Well what am I supposed to do when they won't zip? I'm already testing the limits by bending over in my way too tight pants. I can only struggle so much. After much tugging and "sucking" my calves in... (yes, it's possible) I get the zipper up half way. There. Success. I'll take it.
But wait... I have muffin tops........... on my CALVES. Yes. Your ridiculously skinny boots have given my legs muffin tops. I didn't even know this was possible and yet there I stood with inner tubes for knees. The skinny girl next to me with her perfectly zipped knee high boots was thinking, "Here, have a stick of butter to go with those muffins." Thank you very much fashion world.
Sadly my feet are still freezing in my wide flats. If you thought that chunky legs didn't get cold you were wrong. I'll be sending you the bill for my frost bite.
Love,
Brittany
PS. I'm still looking for my knees. I'm beginning to think they're hiding... somewhere up in my thighs.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Weight Watchers
Dear Brittany,
There seems to be some misunderstanding between you and our point system. The 27 points you are allowed is NOT per meal. It is DAILY. Also, just because you once breastfed, that does not mean you can add the 12 extra points now. That is only if you are CURRENTLY breastfeeding. Oh, and while we're on the subject... yes, we realize you have 2 kids and have breastfed twice. This does not mean in any way that you can add the extra 12 points twice. Again....... you are not CURRENTLY breastfeeding, so those points do not apply to you at all.
We apologize if this small misunderstanding caused you to gain 12 pounds in one week. Maybe if your ears weren't so chubby you could listen better.
Love,
Weight Watchers
There seems to be some misunderstanding between you and our point system. The 27 points you are allowed is NOT per meal. It is DAILY. Also, just because you once breastfed, that does not mean you can add the 12 extra points now. That is only if you are CURRENTLY breastfeeding. Oh, and while we're on the subject... yes, we realize you have 2 kids and have breastfed twice. This does not mean in any way that you can add the extra 12 points twice. Again....... you are not CURRENTLY breastfeeding, so those points do not apply to you at all.
We apologize if this small misunderstanding caused you to gain 12 pounds in one week. Maybe if your ears weren't so chubby you could listen better.
Love,
Weight Watchers
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Hollywood
Dear Hollywood,
I am spitting mad at you. For the last 24 years you have done everything in your power to make me feel inadequate. Your commercials have told me my eye lashes aren't luscious enough, my legs aren't long enough and my torso isn't small enough. For 24 years I have believed you.
Today however I quit believing you. Quit cold turkey. My 3 year old put her hands on my face and told me I was the most beautiful mommy in the world. Can you compete with that?
I then promptly went to my room, put on my control top pantyhose, applied my thickening mascara, and wrestled my breasts into a push up bra. Why am I such a slave to you?!
Love,
Brittany
PS. Sorry about the smudge in the corner. I dripped some jelly donut while I was writing.
I am spitting mad at you. For the last 24 years you have done everything in your power to make me feel inadequate. Your commercials have told me my eye lashes aren't luscious enough, my legs aren't long enough and my torso isn't small enough. For 24 years I have believed you.
Today however I quit believing you. Quit cold turkey. My 3 year old put her hands on my face and told me I was the most beautiful mommy in the world. Can you compete with that?
I then promptly went to my room, put on my control top pantyhose, applied my thickening mascara, and wrestled my breasts into a push up bra. Why am I such a slave to you?!
Love,
Brittany
PS. Sorry about the smudge in the corner. I dripped some jelly donut while I was writing.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Wii Sports
Dear Brittany,
We regret to tell you that we are not able to refund your money for "Wii Sports". Yes, we realize that you have tried it "quite a few times" throughout the 1 year period you've had it... but there is no guarantee on the box that says it is guaranteed to make you look like your sister. Especially after only a few scattered times of playing it. And no, we don't care what the sales lady at the store told you.
If you would like to look like your sister, maybe you should try getting a daily exercise routine instead of bi-monthly. You're much more likely to see results then. Good luck to you on your weight loss journey.
Love,
The People at Wii Sports
PS. We just looked at the picture of your sister. You do realize that Wii Sports does not help with height right? Just thought we'd clarify that to avoid a future letter....
We regret to tell you that we are not able to refund your money for "Wii Sports". Yes, we realize that you have tried it "quite a few times" throughout the 1 year period you've had it... but there is no guarantee on the box that says it is guaranteed to make you look like your sister. Especially after only a few scattered times of playing it. And no, we don't care what the sales lady at the store told you.
If you would like to look like your sister, maybe you should try getting a daily exercise routine instead of bi-monthly. You're much more likely to see results then. Good luck to you on your weight loss journey.
Love,
The People at Wii Sports
PS. We just looked at the picture of your sister. You do realize that Wii Sports does not help with height right? Just thought we'd clarify that to avoid a future letter....
Thursday, January 7, 2010
100 Calorie Packs
Dear Brittany,
No matter what you tell yourself, 100 calorie packs are not okay to eat by the box. Even if they don't suppress your craving for a snack. If you eat all 6 packages you may as well have eaten the carton of Dreyers in the freezer. And your head lied... they really are 100 calories to a pack... not 100 calories in the entire box.
As for the matter of the packages being so hard to open that you burn 100 calories while opening them, therefore "cancelling" out your calories... well we're not sure. Check with your local personal trainer on that one.
Love,
The folks from the 100 calorie snack packs
PS. We realize you've always been bad at math. But 100 x 6 is 600. Not 100.
No matter what you tell yourself, 100 calorie packs are not okay to eat by the box. Even if they don't suppress your craving for a snack. If you eat all 6 packages you may as well have eaten the carton of Dreyers in the freezer. And your head lied... they really are 100 calories to a pack... not 100 calories in the entire box.
As for the matter of the packages being so hard to open that you burn 100 calories while opening them, therefore "cancelling" out your calories... well we're not sure. Check with your local personal trainer on that one.
Love,
The folks from the 100 calorie snack packs
PS. We realize you've always been bad at math. But 100 x 6 is 600. Not 100.
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