Cold Calories

Dear Brittany,



URGENT:



PUT DOWN THE TWINKIE AND READ THIS LETTER.





You have been severely misinformed. Just because you cannot taste when you have a cold it does not mean it is "free" calories.



Please think of your thighs when we say this.
Step out of the kitchen.
We will need to check your pockets.
Put down the ice cream carton and stick your hands up.
Then please, no sudden movements.
You've eaten enough that we're sure you could blow any minute.



Now go lie down. We need to deliberate on the best way to burn off the 4,843 excess calories you consumed tonight. Your treadmill and elliptical have already called in sick.

Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee

PS. Yes, we'll need to check your cleavage too. You've been known to hide things in there.

Carrot Cake

Dear New Years Resolution Committee,

Carrot Cake. What a cruel joke. You say eat lots of veggies and I being the good dieter that I am nearly peed myself after dinner when I heard there was carrot cake for dessert. I loaded up. Made sure I got my 3 servings for the day in. I have never in my life enjoyed vegetables so much.

Imagine the heartbreak I felt when I heard that each piece had 425 calories in it. Times that by 3 for my daily servings. Carrot Cake. What a rip. From now on I'm asking that it be called "Just the same as any other cake but has shredded vegetables in it cake."

I'm so upset about this that I'm boycotting carrots. At least until they can apologize.


Love,
Brittany

PS. The carrot cake is still haunting me. I can hear it calling from my thighs. It's made quite the cozy home in my cellulite.

Breath-wich

Dear New Years Resolution Committee,

I am getting desperately hungry. We are on day 35 of my New Years Diet and I think I'm beginning to hallucinate. Today my daughter Kambrie had a red mark on her arm and I licked it thinking it was some left over gelato. Turns out it was just Magic Marker. My mistake.

Also, my mother is not speaking to me because I smelled her breath today after she ate a 5 Layer Burrito. I say it's her fault for bringing those tortilla rolled drops of heaven around me. I have to admit it was good too. All the flavor and none of the calories. She drew the line at burping in my face.

Do you have any suggestions to help me over come my starvation? I'm pretty sure I can see my ribs. Well, underneath the layer of fat. But they're there... trust me.

Love,
Brittany

PS. Sorry this is so short, I have to go. I see a small cluster of things in the corner that look like they could possibly be a dropped cookie or two.

February Check In

Dear Brittany,

Here is a list of your revised goals for the month of January:
* Exercise everyday
*Scratch that... exercise once a week
*Scratch that... exercise once during the month of January. COMPLETE!

*Lose 2.5 pounds a week
*Scratch that... lose 5 pounds by the end of January...
*Scratch that.... lose 1 pound by the end of January. COMPLETE!


*Eat Healthy
*Scratch that... eat healthy at dinner.
*Scratch that.... eat healthy on the weekends
*Scratch that.... eat 5 layer burritos until you explode. COMPLETE!



As you can see you're doing well at..... revising your goals. Maybe you should try making a goal of NOT revising any goals in February. Just stick to the original plan. That can't be that hard, right?

Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee

PS. Your breasts have made a goal for February to be able to touch your belly button by themselves. We would advise you to do everything in your power to hinder their plans.

Bad, Bad, Bad

Dear New Years Resolution Committee,

I am writing to inform you that I did the unthinkable tonight. I committed a crime so horrendous that it makes me hang my head in shame.

3 words. Five. Layer. Burrito.

You should probably contact my thigh muscles to let them know that tomorrow they will be incredibly busy serving time for my crime. I will be doing squats until the cows come home.

Love,
Brittany

PS. I tried to stay away. I really did. I think my hunger pains have given me the nose of a bloodhound though. I smelled that burrito half way down the block. I think I'm going to be sick.

Two Thumbs Up

Dear Brittany,

We congratulate you on your ability to be strong and avoid eating that Frosty last night. We know it was tempting and we've never seen anyone sweat so much. But you held out and we're so proud of you.

However.....

In your decision to reward yourself with a 1/4 of a bag of Cheetos..... probably not the smartest choice you've ever made. To avoid any future mishaps, we've compiled a list of acceptable "rewards" for you.
* Go for a run! Yay!
* If you must eat.... an apple... or 4 raspberries. (yum!)
* 1 tall glass of ice water
* 20 sit ups, and since this is "rewards" do them girl style! (Woohoo!)

We hope you're as excited about these rewards as we are. Good luck!

Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee

PS. Due to the disaster with the Cheetos last night... your double chin has put $50 on you failing to lose any weight. It's so certain of this that it's looking into expanding to a triple chin. So far the odds of you actually reaching your goal weight are not in your favor at all. Go underdog!

Ranch Soup

Dear Brittany,

We think it's great that you like to eat salads. However, the salad you ate last night could probably be called less salad and more "ranch soup". Drenching your salad in ranch defeats the purpose of you actually eating the salad.

Oh and while we're on the subject of dinner last night... if next to your salad there is a mountain of rice with a puddle of gravy.... maybe you should just set the plate down and walk away. We're just sayin'..... Once again, Not helping.

Love,
Your New Years Resolution Committee.


PS. Your thighs called. They want their space back. They're so sick of rubbing together while you walk. It causes way too much friction between them.